LHB Blog

A girl, a blog and a cactus named Pudding

Fountains Abbey and Studley Royal Water Garden (#LHB_Travels)

Alternative title: When your brain is telling you that all it wants to do on a beautifully sunny day is lie in bed and pretend the day doesn’t exist … You lie and tell it you’re going out for ice cream. 

Brain: “You’re lying to me … We never go on the motorway to get ice-cream. Turn the car around and take me home right now!”

Me: “Wind your neck in, we’re going to spend a bit of time with nature”.

Brain: “Turn the damned car around this second! Don’t make me barf all up in this place!”

Me: “Would you rather we had our butt-hole bleached?!”

Brain: “Is that even a thing?! Why would you even -”

Butt: “Oh hell no! You have got to be kidding me! There is not a chance that -”

Me: “I have the beautician on speed dial … Just an FYI”

Brain: “…”

Butt: “…”

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A Spider in the Shower

Alternative title: I have no doubt that had I been constipated prior to the spider encounter I certainly wouldn’t have been afterwards! 

Hot water cascaded through my hair, caressing my neck, trickling down my spine … Goosebumps pimpled my skin as the heat hit my fingers and toes, extremities usually so cold due to Hypothyroidism suddenly rising in temperature. As the aches of the day washed away I reached for the shampoo and there, glaring at my naked frame from behind the bottle, was the biggest spider I have ever seen in my 31 years on this earth.

Obviously I reacted like any rational adult … With much screaming, throwing of the shampoo bottle, expletives and a rather dramatic launching of myself at the shower door. The closed shower door. Multiple times.

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Down the Rabbit Hole

**I’m just putting a warning up here folks for this one as I’m talking Depression and pretty sure parts of this will make for difficult reading**

Alternative title: Maybe it’s just the medication change … 

I am writing this in the wake of an emotional breakdown, my eyes are blood shot and painful, my cheeks are stained with tears and no doubt puffier than that of a B-list celeb after a botox binge and I’m tired. Physically and mentally tired. Everything feels too difficult to deal with. The slightest thing from my iPhone ghost-calling a work colleague and leaving her a voicemail of my Asda trip (glad I wasn’t deliberating on Tampons or condoms at that point!) to the cat pissing on the carpet in the front room (AGAIN!) just seems like a valid reason to shut the bedroom door and pretend that the world does not exist beyond my duvet.

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Calisthenics – The Pike

Alternative title: Because I had the genius idea of doing weightlifting and calisthenics right before a core yoga session … Well done Ruebi love, well done … 3 days later my abs are still crying. 

My feet are in supports, my hands are firmly planted on the mat and I’ve managed to haul my ass from plank into a move that is affectionately called “Pike” … Personally I would have called it “Holy shit I’m gonna hurk my kidneys out of my nose!” but hey ho, I wasn’t the creator of such a monster.  So as you can imagine when my Personal Trainer said “you’re looking strong Ruebi, how you finding it?” I could only answer with “oh yeah, I’m fan-freaking-tastic” while drowning in a sea of sweat…

He believed me … Or maybe he just doesn’t appreciate sarcasm at it’s finest.

Either way, I had to do another bloody set of reps!

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