Alternative title: Sometimes in life you need to be reminded to take some time out. To regroup. To relax. My reminder came in a form I couldn’t ignore, an event so profound I’m still feeling the effects of it now, oh yes – it was quite the experience…I trapped my finger in a car door and needed a lovely trip to our local Urgent Care Centre (as we apparently don’t need an A&E unit – thank you parliament for correcting us on that) not once, but twice, for treatment. Car 1 – Ruebi 0.
I’m sat on the floor at yoga class, my head is fuzzy, I’m boiling hot, my stomach feels sick and I’m perched on the edge of unconsciousness. I’m aware of my instructor talking, I’m aware of my fellow students crowding round … I’m aware that I am a total and utter plank.
I’d been rushing, I hadn’t been fully paying attention as I grasped my bag from the boot (trunk), I vaguely registered my drivers door wasn’t closed properly so I opened it and slammed it shut. I heard it click. It wasn’t until the pain kicked in as I walked into the class that I knew something wasn’t right … My body had stopped fussing about everything else going on and went into shock.
It’s taken a couple of days of Depression kicking my ass over my stupidity to realise what my mistake had been that day … Aside from shoving a car door full pelt onto my rather delicate finger, obviously … My mistake was that I was rushing, I was trying to make myself busy, I was trying to bombard my brain with external stimuli so it would just stop – if only for a few moments – to just be calm. I had stopped trying to accept or even acknowledge how I was feeling, I just wanted to push it aside as though nothing was wrong.
So today, as I sat surrounded by my mini library (consisting mostly of Stephen King books) I resolved, once again, to be kinder to myself. Instead of simply going through the motions of work, sleep, (occasional exercise class), repeat I should be focusing my energies in a more positive way. Work consumes me and I let it, it is a great source of stress and it’s stress I don’t process very well. I obsess about it.
My work-life balance and my mindset with regards to it are wrong, my job should not define me. My job should not be my main focus point. Don’t get me wrong I know work is important, I know it’s necessary (how else will I fund my book obsession if not through working!) … But, it should not be as high as it is on my priority list. It definitely should not be above meditation, yoga, family, loved ones, friends, making beautiful memories … Hell, it should not be above ensuring my fingers are out of the way of the car door!
As I ran my (un-bandaged) fingers through the pages of each book prior to placing the tales side by side, I contemplated the changes I have made and those I am yet to make. I deliberated upon the person I am and the one I aspire to be. I questioned how I judged myself and how I judge other people.
I took this relative solitude as the perfect moment in which to have a stern word with myself. To establish a plan of action … Which I should point out involves a lot of tea!
Had it not been for the slam of the car door I would probably still be rushing around attempting to fill my time and thoughts with things which ultimately I am not fully experiencing … Trying to find ways of ignoring tasks or mind-frames or situations works short term but then something brings you colliding nose first into the issue.
So yeah, guess I’ve had my own “Eat, Pray, Love” moment this week … Just without all the travelling … And gorgeous looking food … And elephants.
Ok so maybe it was nothing like that darned movie! And if it was a movie then it’d probably be set in some obscure northern town with an odd name and plenty of rain!
Silver linings and all that …
PS – To those worried about my squished finger, it (like the rest of me) is healing … Though (unlike me) it did need a good squeeze by a doctor when the pressure got too much! (I know, gross right?!).
Also – Thank you K! Not only are you an absolutely amazing instructor but you one hell of an awesome almost-paramedic!