**As with my last couple of posts I just wanted to bob up a little trigger warning as I’ll be talking about loss and grief**
Alternative title: Friday 13th January 2017, snow sat upon the tops of the hills, a chill had enveloped us the moment we exited the car. Scooters of various shapes and sizes lined the car park of the crematorium, the smell of their exhausts hanging in the air, punk music raged through the speaker system to the queue of mourners outside … My head resting on the side of the coffin as my fellow pallbearers and I carried my dad over the threshold to what would be his final goodbye.
I wanted to howl … To shriek and scream and lose all sense of control. I wanted to tell people how unfair this all was, that it was wrong that we were there to cremate a man who meant the world (and more) to me … I was (I am) daddy’s little girl and I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I would never have been ready to say goodbye. I didn’t feel strong enough to say goodbye.
So I didn’t … Instead I said “one day I’ll see you again”.
I didn’t scream, I didn’t shriek and I didn’t howl … But I did cry, I let the tears fall and I smiled when the eulogy was being read.
The impact my dad had on the lives of so many people was evident by the fact that every seat was occupied, the standing room at the back was full, the walls were lined … And there wasn’t a dry eye in the whole place. An amalgamation of raw pain, of loss, of love, of remembrance. Of knowing that this wound will never heal for as long as his friends and family live. Our worlds irrevocably changed.
He was a loving husband, a father, a brother, an uncle and a friend. He left a legacy in these memories making it impossible for him to be forgotten.
A legacy 57 years in the making.
A legacy I will carry until my final breath.
Here’s to you dad : Cock Sparrer – Because You’re Young.
PS – If you (or someone you know) has been (or is being) affected by Cancer, then I can highly recommend Macmillan – they are amazing folks! They have been such a brilliant source of support and advice from the moment we heard the diagnosis and I owe them a HUGE thank you for everything they did for us.
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