Alternative title: I have no doubt that had I been constipated prior to the spider encounter I certainly wouldn’t have been afterwards!
Hot water cascaded through my hair, caressing my neck, trickling down my spine … Goosebumps pimpled my skin as the heat hit my fingers and toes, extremities usually so cold due to Hypothyroidism suddenly rising in temperature. As the aches of the day washed away I reached for the shampoo and there, glaring at my naked frame from behind the bottle, was the biggest spider I have ever seen in my 31 years on this earth.
Obviously I reacted like any rational adult … With much screaming, throwing of the shampoo bottle, expletives and a rather dramatic launching of myself at the shower door. The closed shower door. Multiple times.
After an epic battle with the shower door that even Gandalf the Grey (or Gandalf the White … whichever was the more bad-ass of the two) would have been proud of, I clambered onto the toilet seat, not even waiting for the soft close to finish it’s descent (with a spider in the shower I don’t have time for soft close bog seats) and planted my feet on either side of the bowl like some bunged up toad. Eyes flitting between the shower cubicle and the locked door of the en suite, brain rushing through all the escape plans it could muster (which, quite frankly, were all crap).
I armed myself with a bog roll (yeah, I still have no idea why) as an internal battle waged within me between arming myself with something more substantial than a piece of cardboard and removing the spider from the shower to safely deposit it outside …
Because despite my fear of them, I have no real desire to harm them.
So you can imagine the intense feeling of guilt that consumed every last drop of fear I had as I glanced at the shower cubicle to see a curled up ball circling the drain and disappearing into the depths below.
The spider was gone.
Needless to say I didn’t continue the shower that evening, I didn’t want to risk moving the conditioner! I grabbed a towel, turned the water off and hastily retreated into the bedroom.
“There was a spider in the shower” I muttered to M minutes later, still wet from an attempt at a quick dry.
“I know, I heard you screaming” he replied.
Thanks for the rescue darling …
PS – I’m off work for the remainder of the week (woop woop!) and as I’m a major horror nut I’m looking for movies to watch so send me some recommendations! Though please don’t recommend “Arachnophobia” or “Eight Legged Freaks” as I’ve already watched those and duly shat my pants.