**Not sure if this needs a trigger warning or not but I always like to throw one out here just in case**
Alternative title: I’m sorry I haven’t been here much … I’ve been a little unwell … In fact, I’ve been a rather muddled mess!
It’s been a while since I last posted on here; I hadn’t forgotten my little place on the internet or the words I have poured into it, I didn’t want to leave it neglected and to disappear into the ether, but I also didn’t feel like I could be here either … Recently my Anxiety, Depression, OCD, OCPD and Grief have all been taking turns to squish my insides, they’ve turned my thoughts into poison, my brain into a traitor and left me distraught at the prospect of another day walking with one or more of those demons clawing at me.
I needed the time out from here to heal up a bit.
I needed the time out from here to focus on what I needed.
I needed the time out from here to ask for help.
During my last batch of therapy sessions I was told to break down the emotions and acknowledge what I was feeling when Anxiety struck, to acknowledge it and to release it … Much the same as when it comes to negative thoughts, acknowledge and release. Except I’ve been struggling with this, I get as far as acknowledging the feeling(s) as “pure terror” (generally without a cause) but I can’t release it, it just sits there in my gut, bubbling away. Fast breathing, faster heart rate … Adrenaline surging through every vein, fear seeping through every pore.
But while the Anxiety was throwing it’s very own “let’s panic the shit over everything we’ve ever done – even if we don’t remember doing it – and everything we’re probably never going to accomplish before we die” party (which is the longest name for a shindig I’ve ever encountered), Depression has been whispering in my ears … Telling me that no one cares, telling me that I’m worthless, telling me that whatever I have to say doesn’t matter … Because I don’t matter. Depression, it turns out, is a crap cheerleader.
The Depression stifled me, I lost my words.
Which allowed the OCPD (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder aka Anakastic Personality Disorder to the newbies here) to kick in with “well, it’s not like you’re particularly eloquent anyway is it you utter twit?” before starting a barrage of reasons as to why I basically fail at life …
Now, imagine all this taking place at 4am for the third night running … While I’m checking the front door for the gazillionth time (in multiples of 3 of course thanks to the OCD) …
Can we say emotional wreck? I think we can …
So … At the height of all this I backed away from LHB HQ, I backed away from social media, I backed away from yoga, I backed away from pretty much everything I could. I thought it would protect me to do it, to give me time to rest, but it didn’t – it just isolated me and made things worse.
Which eventually prompted (nay forced) the words “I’m struggling” …
It started with M (my other half), then the Mindsmatter referral service, and then it kinda snowballed to everyone from an old school friend to my gym instructor* and even a very brief uttering regarding mental health in the workplace when I went to pick up a coffee (seen as it’s too early in the year for the release of my Autumn/Winter beverage of choice – the fudge hot chocolate).
I’ve made it back to the gym (and am LOVING weightlifting – yeah, you read that right), I made it back to yoga (and am totally not loving Chaturanga Dandasana – yeah, you read that right too), I’m still waiting on my therapy (though we all know how long waiting lists are), I’ve taken up hiking again (even if I did swear my way up Helm Crag) and have started watching TV series that make me happy … Currently it’s Star Trek Enterprise (I know the new one is out but M insists I can’t watch it without him even though “Bryan Fuller made it” and we all know how I feel about Bryan Fuller being awesome … Sigh) which has resulted in me spitting tea everywhere while yelling “NO! NOT HIS FACE!” every time Lt. Reed takes a punch to the gob, which, let’s face it, is most of the darned time … Honestly Reed!
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry LHB HQ has been rather quiet (I totally didn’t realise I was gone for like 2 months! I seriously thought it was only a couple of weeks … Any longer and the spiders would have moved in to keep the dust bunnies company) and that I hope you’ll bear with me while I trudge through whatever mess my brain is throwing at me, I will keep trying to bob by to update you …
Anyway – now you know what’s been happening in my world, what’s been going on with you lovely lot?
Oh, and throw some TV series at me folks as I’m running out of ideas!
Peace and love
*Still not entirely sure how a conversation about Burpees (and my ever growing confusion over just what the heck they are) turned into a MH convo but hey ho! Always a plus right?
PS – I’ve been finding Twitter to be a bit of a negativity zone again so if you follow me on there I’m sorry I’ve been on the quiet side! You can still catch up with my adventures away from LHB HQ across at my Instagram though (and there have been quite a few adventures in the Lake District National Park recently that have been totally helping me reconnect with the outdoors! Plus a trip to Grasmere totally means a trip for gingerbread right?!).
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