LHB Blog

A girl, a blog and a cactus named Pudding

Burnley’s Biscuit Famine

Alternative title: The biscuit cupboard is fricking empty because some cretin decided to mix caramel with a normal chocolate digestive and then unleash it unto my local Tesco and as such is directly responsible for the fact I now feel very very sick!


Yes I need more self control, yes I should take responsibility for the fact I can’t eat just one of those delightful bites of heaven (but I won’t because I’m blaming McVities), yes my diet should be more substantial than the occasional pack of biscuits and bag of Pickled Onion Monster Munch….but you know it won’t change, just as much as I have no inclination to change it, after all huge bottoms seem popular with the women’s magazines all of a sudden. It seems that if your butt can swallow a small village (town hall and all!) then you will likely be worshipped as a goddess.

Caramel Digestives

In my face you delicious Caramel goodness! (Source)

However, as I’ve mentioned before, a trip to Tesco for urgent supplies such as cereal or dog turd bags can be a little overwhelming for those of us who have gone a little puddled…those slightly befuddled looking creatures huddled together in various nightwear items and sobbing over the way the doors open at the entrance of the stores are those who have seen the world through ‘Cabin Fever’ eyes…either that or they’ve taken something they shouldn’t have and are watching as an assortment of miniature green elephants traipse past them while snarling.

Those little green elephants are most likely going to the biscuit aisle too…those evil little gits love a bit of shortbread.

Anyway an issue I have with Tesco, well actually it’s an issue I have with supermarkets in general, is the fact they now have self-service check-outs. In a lot of cases during the day the other check-out lanes are closed while the staff play Tetris with toilet rolls or chuck tins of chicken soup at each other. It is expected that we can all use these peculiar little machines that look like dumbed down and squished Daleks, it is expected that we can all use touchscreens with ease.

What isn’t expected is that these rather dim relatives of the Dalek’s come with an attitude problem that could rival not only Marvin the Paranoid Android  from The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy (if you haven’t read this then you need to…skip the film though because it’s rubbish and will make you question everything you’ve ever done in life to deserve such a turd-storm), but they may even rival my own!

And they definitely have an issue with me.

The story is always the same; go to the supermarket, collect the essential items, wander down the check-outs looking for a member of staff (may as well be trying to detect a fart in the wind), reach self-service check-outs (swear under breath), click start.

Machine: “Are you using your own bags?”

Me: *Clicks no*

Machine: *processes the information directly through to Parliament so they can blame me for the whole Climate Change issue when the filming for the next Party Political Broadcast takes place*

Me: *Starts scanning items*

Machine: *Beep – dog poo bags to give the impression of responsible dog ownership*, *beep – random bag of oranges, frick knows why she won’t eat them*, *beep – newspaper she will never read*

Me: *Reaches last item in shopping basket*

Machine: *Beep – caramel chocolate diges-* “Unexpected item in bagging area, please wait for assistance”

Me: “Are you kidding me?”

(Staff have turned the cosmetics aisle into a water slide using bottles of baby oil)

Machine: “Unexpected item in bagging area, please wait for assistance”

Me: “Why is it always the last item?”

(Staff are now throwing bags of flour about to mimic Winter and shouting ‘Game of Thrones‘ references that I don’t understand)

Machine: “Unexpected item in bagging area, please wait for assistance”

Me: “How can it be unexpected? You just scanned it? You know it’s digestives…hardly going to be unexpected digestives in the bagging area is there? What did they do, sneak up on you?!”

(Staff cannot be found but there has been an unusual amount of Snow Yeti sightings)

Machine: “Unexpected item in bagging area, please wait for assistance”

Me: “Give me my fricking Caramel Digestives damnit!”

Machine: “Unexpected item in bagging area, please wait for assistance”

(Wild Staff Member appears while I am putting my backside in a bag and sitting in the bagging area).

Staff Member: “Ma’am, is there an issue here?”

Me: “No issue here”

Machine: “…”

Staff Member: “…”


Honestly those machines have no customer service skills.

Caramel chocolate digestive anyone?

R x


Cabin Fever


Sleep Deprivation


  1. And the shopping experience continues to be automated. I felt like a dope the first time I used the automatic checkout preferring now to use the more conventional line with a live attendant. Great post as always!

    • Ruebi

      I’d much prefer to use the conventional line too…the machines are always throwing a wobbler and it just makes the shopping experience more frustrating. Plus I look less daft talking to an actual attendant rather than ranting at a machine.

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