Alternative Title: The Moment You Realise That You Are Turning Into Tom Hank’s Character From That Movie With The Ball Called Wilson (just with slightly less beard going on).

I’ve been unemployed for less than two weeks and I already have Cabin Fever, no not the movie, because the movie is about as interesting as fetid dog turd and about as scary as Magnolia paint…I’m completely baffled that sequels were produced, the movies not the paint; for some reason people like Magnolia paint, I look at Magnolia paint and instantly think of a place that always smells of disinfectant. Anyway, I’m talking about actual Cabin Fever…and you know what they say, with great Cabin Fever comes great responsibility, or something profound like that.

You know you have a Cabin Fever situation on your hands when you start talking to plants, willingly reading the free local newspapers or listening to N-Dubz.

Me: “Pudding look! Newspapers!”

Pudding: “…”

Me: “And they’re free! FREE!”

Pudding: “…”

Me: “Frrrreeeeeeeeeeee….”

Pudding: “…”

Me: “And local…we like local don’t we Pudding?

Pudding: “…”

Me: “A local newspaper for local people

Pudding: “…”

Me: “And Cacti of course”

Pudding: “…”

 

You know the situation is dire when you read the newspapers outloud to the plant(s) while listening to N-Dubz.

 

Me: “Oh look Pudding, there is a ‘Watch Paint Dry’ meeting at the social club today, do you fancy it?”

Pudding: “…”

Me: “What do you mean the event sounds dull?”

Pudding: “…”

Me: “Well aren’t you being a boring sod today!”

N-Dubz: “I need you, you-you-you

 

When you buy a hat like Dappy‘s and wear it in the same way it is probably time to seek out professional help…especially if the plants mysteriously end up wearing them too.

And when you do manage to get out of the house you find yourself idly wandering about in Tesco in your rabbit onesie…with your inner child shrieking because it doesn’t want to be there it wants to be at home watching ‘Spongebob Squarepants‘ while hiding in a blanket fort, your adult self shrieking because you have no idea what cereal you should buy in order to look like a grown up despite the onesie…Makes things worse that there is a whole damned aisle dedicated to cereals, crunchy, nutty, low fat, genetically modified bright pink shit with honey! And yes, at the time Cornflakes or Granola seem a great choice, but at 3am when watching ‘The Biggest Loser‘ all you will want to shove in your face is chocolate hoops and you will kick yourself for the ‘healthier’ choice and be filled with regret because you’ve had to smush half a jar of Nutella into the Cornflakes!

Nutella

I don’t even bloody like Hazelnuts! The pic by the way is from the link I used above.

If I carry on with this lark Pudding will be off to the cloudy land of spikey creatures just to escape from me (“no, not this band again…I can’t take anymore!” *SMUSH* *receives spikey wings*)…not just because it still looks like death but because I’m not convinced recovery is possible for that little cacti and undue Hip-hop stress may just tip it over the edge.

I assume everyone goes a little stir crazy when they come out of work for a while?

Don’t they?

R x