LHB Blog

A girl, a blog and a cactus named Pudding

Christmas countdown….Bah, humbug!

Alternative title: It’s nearly that time of year when I have to pretend that I’m not a miserable sod and spend ‘quality’ time with the family…I will probably spend the majority of it listening to my womb shrieking as relatives interrogate me over my lack of spawning (trust me the world is just not ready for that) and picking up my rather drunk gran when she falls in her own vomit in the garden. 

 

“What are you thinking of getting your brother for Christmas”? mum asked while skipping through the various hair removal treatments on Wowcher (not sure I’d trust someone to trim my lady-garden if I was paying them £3 or something equally as insulting).

“I don’t know…I thought about buying him some Shreddies” I sipped at my cuppa.

Cereal? For Christmas?! Really Ruebi?” she stopped on an advert for back waxing and scowled (I assumed at the dawning realisation that there must be some really hairy gits out there).

“No…Shreddies…Flatulence filtering grundies…The house smells like butt when he comes home and not in an ‘accidental poot’ sort of way, I’m talking farts bordering on sharts”.

“I have no words” she shook her head before retreating to the kitchen.

“Farticles mother! Farticles!” I yelled after her.

I’m usually well prepared when it comes to the art of gift buying, in previous years I have been so prepped that I feared I was turning into Kirstie Allsopp (she had some craft type show at one point…without Phil Spencer and the awkward flirting that once reduced me to a puking mess when my TV got stuck on a “Location, Location, Location” marathon). This year though, this year I have no freaking clue. It’s slightly worrying to the point I may just buy everyone a pair of unicorn slippers and have done with it. Everyone loves unicorns right?

unicorn slippers

How amazing are these?! You can keep your feet warm while doling out some proper painful ass kickings! Best. Presents. Ever…(source)

The only gift more amazing than this would be an actual unicorn (called Stefan)…or me suddenly developing back dimples (don’t look at me like that, we all know that the world would be a much nicer place if I had back dimples).

Anyway, my facebook timeline is full of those utter turd-bags who have already completed all of their shopping and who are now focussing on creating the most smug (but totally not cryptic) statuses in the history of all smug-but-totally-not-cryptic-facebook-statuses. Quite frankly it annoys me and part of me hopes that I end up battling with them over the last frozen turkey or bag of sprouts in the local Tesco on Christmas Eve (no doubt I’ll have already put my foot through the self-service checkouts when buying Tampons earlier in the day)…I fight dirty, there will be custard and flour everywhere!

I know I should be more annoyed at myself for being so disorganised but you know what, I’m not (yet)…because it’s still November! I get that the stores have been playing festive tunes since the ass end of September to try and trick my brain into thinking that I need that red sparkly tinsel or box of shortbread, but so far I’ve been immune to it (which may be due to battling chainsaw wielding zombies at Halloween and my obsession with fireworks)…Even Monty the Penguin has failed to convince me that I need to throw my wallet (yes I have a wallet, not a purse) at a cashier in exchange for a pile of tat that won’t get used or thought of after the big day. I still have £1 horror movies in shrink wrap from last year, not entirely sure why my brother thought I would appreciate “Slutty Nun Machete Madness Parts 1 and 2” (or something like that) on DVD but there you go.

If I’m being honest, until we end up with a decorated tree in the front room for the pup to pee on I probably won’t be part of the Christmas countdown crew.

Does anyone else feel like this?

 

R x (Full-time miserable git and Scrooge-in-training)

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4 Comments

  1. I don’t feel like this, in fact, I’m quite probably (after this comment) going to be thrown into your annoying smuggies category – I love Christmas, I may be (I think I am) a Chraistmasaholic…. pressies are bought, decs are in the process of going up (there are so many, I need to start middle of Nov to ensure they’re all up by the 1st Dec) and I’m currently listening to Rod Stewarts ‘Merry Christmas baby’, whilst fiddling with fairy lights……but, you made me laugh! Really laugh! Great post 🙂

    Take care, and dare I say HAPPYCHRISTMAS! :o)

    Kimmie x

    • Ruebi

      A Christmas Smuggie? Here?! GAH! …

      Actually my mother is a Christmas Smuggie and I love her all the same (she’s been planning where to put the new tree for about 3 months)…She will no doubt buy me mince pies until I accept the fact that the livingroom is going to be filled with various Santas and snowmen – it will take a lot of mince pies.

      It’s not that I’m anti-Christmas, because I do eventually join in with it all and feel Christmassy…I think I’m still upset that I ventured out for Halloween decorations this year and could only find reindeer and elves. There may be a blogpost somewhere in here ranting about how supermarkets ruined my Halloween…or maybe I started writing it and then changed my mind when I went to Farmageddon and squealed at zombies.

      Anyway…I’m glad my post made you laugh!

      And *cough* Happy-nearly-Christmas-to-you-too *cough*

      R x

  2. Hi Ruebi,

    Thank you for the mention, we hope you and your family have a lovely Christmas.

    And for a fart free Christmas, Shreddies are the way forward.

    Kind Regards

    Richard & The Shreddies Team

    • Ruebi

      Hi Richard,

      Thank you for stopping by.

      I hope you and your team have a fabulous (fart free) Christmas too! 🙂

      R x

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