Alternative title: “And now for something completely different!” … Or why being a Zombie would be totally awesome.
Since time began women have been asking important questions of their partners, life changing, moment defining questions. Questions we must know the answers to! We use them to test the waters, to establish if this individual is the right one for us (or ok for a momentary bottom squeeze).
We cultivate the questions, mulling them over and over in our minds until the wording is just right.
We sit them at the tips of tongues and synapses, waiting for the perfect opportunity.
Today was one of those days, under a canopy of fiery Autumnal leaves we walked…The pup ahead of us, sniffing at the ground and occasionally trying to roll in something (that was probably Eau de Fox-Shit, the number one fragrance for the mild-mannered pooch out to impress).
“So … ” I ask M “would you rather be a cowboy or a zombie?”
M paused for a moment, deliberating.
I kicked at a pile of leaves, listening to the satisfying crunch that trainer upon leaf makes, watching as they scattered in the air and gently fell towards the ground again.
“Cowboy” he said at last.
“Cowboy? Seriously?” this wasn’t the answer I was seeking.
“Well yeah…I’d use my gun to kill them all” he shrugged.
“But you’re a pretty shitty shot” I smirked.
“How would you know? You haven’t seen me on ‘Phantom Pain (Metal Gear Solid V)‘ with all the head shots and when I went on that stag do I was awesome at Clay Pigeon shooting – I didn’t miss one!*” He said defiantly.
“Hmmm…” I mused.
“I’d rather be a zombie” I said with a smile.
“What? Why?” It was M’s turn to be confused.
“Because the slightest nibble will infect another person…It will create another zombie…” I said confidently, hiding the fact that I would no longer have to worry about:
1. showering/bathing/deodorant/changing underpants (…So much effort…).
2. using cutlery (isn’t one knife, one fork and one spoon complicated enough?!).
3. food getting stuck in my teeth (I’m looking at you broccoli!).
4. drooling when hungry (a la Homer Simpson).
5. getting food all over my face (if it’s not smeared all over my chops then the meal was crap).
6. table manners (who hasn’t accidentally belched in a restaurant?).
7. making friends (I wouldn’t need to be social, I’d just bite someone and wait for them to show up when hungry).
8. fashion (… think this one is self-explanatory…)
9. being clumsy and falling over my own feet (have you ever seen a ballet dancing zombie? No? Exactly!)
10. work (…would my zombie brain be worried about numbers? Highly unlikely…It would probably be more interested in nibbling whoever was throwing a wobbler at me over a deadline).
See, 10 reasons why being a Zombie would be so much better! But hey, if you want to be a cowboy I’m hardly going to stand in your way…Unlike my folks when they said I could never be a unicorn! How else will I fart glittery rainbows?!
Wonder if the answer would have been different if I’d thrown vampire or werewolf into the mix?
*Knowing that the only way to kill a zombie is to destroy the brain and knowing that my wonderful other half threw me in front of a chainsaw wielding clown at Farmageddon last year I can safely say he will be bitten and rabid within five minutes of an outbreak (M, if you’re reading this, I love you but if you argue I will reveal your reaction to the latest “Woman in Black” movie and the playable teaser released for “Silent Hill“).