LHB Blog

A girl, a blog and a cactus named Pudding

Dawn of the Depression

**Trigger Warning – I’m talking about Depression here … Which you probably guessed from the title**

Alternative title: Quite frankly I would rather have shaved the chapped arse of a grumpy grizzly bear with a blunt razor than try to drag my own sorry ass out of bed. But drag my sorry ass out of bed I did … In doing so I left a part of me huddled under the duvet drowning in nightmares sobbing silently, the part of me dressing for work was nothing more than a mere husk, a husk carrying a demon, a demon that spreads sickness throughout your body as you hide behind the simple words “I’m fine, just fine”. 

I’m not sure how I ended up tumbling back into that darkness, the familiar bite of pain ebbing it’s way in with each breath I took, slowly becoming all consuming as the demon whispered “you are mine my dear, you are mine”.

Not to sound too cliche but I had unraveled … I sat amongst the crumbled remains of all I had worked on, the apparent ruins of therapy, all the positives falling to the ground like sand through fingers. Forgetting all I had achieved, writing curse words in the dust. The demon telling me that there is no antidote to the poison, that I will never be without it, that eventually it is all I will ever know.

The demon lies … I know it lies … So why is it so damned difficult to ignore it? To tell it that whatever it’s selling, you ain’t interested? To simply tell it that it’s wrong, that you’re stronger than that, that you deserve better than that, that your life is not going to be defined by this very moment of impending implosion but by happier times?

It worms it’s way into every cell in your body and convinces it that what it’s feeling is justified, that you are a fool to think otherwise …

After all, you can still function on some level (even if that means sitting in a daze just wondering what the hell is the point of everything) and you can hide behind a Cheshire Cat grin and you can pretend that everything is fine … Just fine. Fine and dandy to the point of nicking that Oscar right out of Leo’s grasp (sorry dude but you should totally see my “I’m in complete control” face when in reality it feels as though my insides have coiled around each other, twisting tighter and tighter).

You can function … And that’s all people see.

 

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“We humans look rather different from a tree. Without a doubt we perceive the world differently than a tree does. But deep down, at the molecular heart of life, the trees and we are essentially identical” – Carl Sagan ❤️ (This pic is from my Insta if you want to bob by and say hi).

 

So folks, how do you deal with your demons? I am going to crawl into bed and try to sleep and hope that I feel strong enough tomorrow to reign in the Depression (not that it’ll be too chuffed with that turn of events).

R x

PS – To anyone suffering today, have a ((massive squidgy Ruebi huggle)). Stay strong lovelies.

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16 Comments

  1. ‘I’m fine’ too.

    A ((massive squidgy Kimmie huggle)) on it’s way to you now. Here if you need me…just a screen away. xxxx

    • Ruebi

      A ((massive squidgy Kimmie huggle)) sounds like just what the doctor ordered! Thank you lovely xxx

  2. Crawling unto bed away in the safety of blankly cocoon away from everything I just can’t handle right now is just about the only thing I have the mental capacity for latley. Your never alone hunny, your words fit right alongside how I’ve felt the past couple of days. Thank you for having the strength to share this ❤ xxx

    • Ruebi

      It’s been difficult to function recently as all I want to do is crawl under the duvet … I think things have been gradually getting more and more overwhelming and climbing into bed is a source of comfort. A place I can just escape for a bit. I have a hard time explaining how I feel normally as “I feel depressed” just doesn’t seem enough, so I thought I’d write on here instead. Sorry you feel this way too sweetie, you’re never alone either xxx

  3. I have been fighting this. I have been gaining weight because I find comfort in food and no one cares if you are gaining weight because it is more linked to being happy. Sometimes I wish I am skin and bones so that people would get worried about me. Because a lot of times I am worried about me. #pocolo

    • Ruebi

      Awww Merlinda, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way! Have you talked to someone about this? I’m about to undergo CBT for Anxiety/Depression but I know it’s also linked to aiding with dealing with food issues such as this. I think many people experience bouts of Emotional Eating from time to time, especially when dealing with stress or low moods, so you’re not alone. Please don’t be so hard on yourself, breaking any cycle is difficult (while not the same thing I’m a compulsive checker of doors, windows, ovens, etc so know how strong these cycles are). Be kind to yourself ((huggles)) R x

  4. I hope that when tomorrow came you did feel stronger. I think you’re brave to talk so openly about your feelings #weekendblogshare

    • Ruebi

      Hi Janet, I’ve had good days and bad days since posting this, more bad I have to admit but at least it’s progress in a way. I also figure that by being open about the mental health issues raises awareness of it, even if a little bit. Thank you for stopping by x

  5. If I could fit there, you would find me under my bed when demons strike, but I my demons are no worse than anyone else’s.

    I think your alternative title sums up how you are feeling; if shaving the chapped arse of a grumpy grizzly bear with a blunt razor is a more appealing alternative to getting out of bed then, ‘fine’ is not how you are feeling.

    I really hope you start to feel stronger soon.

    Big hugs.

    • Ruebi

      Thank you Debbie, I’m always happy to receive hugs! 🙂

      Not long after the post published I had an appointment with the GP and she agrees that ‘fine’ is not how I’m feeling and that pretending to be is probably doing more harm than good as when you pretend to be ‘fine’ you don’t allow people to support you as easily as they may do if you said “you know what, no, I’m not fine”.

      I’m also learning that progress of any kind is a good thing to note, so even if it’s feeling positive over something minor it is worth keeping in mind that there are good things that can happen.

      R x

  6. I know that demon. I have spent some of the most difficult and holiest hours of my life with her. In all honesty I would be perfectly satisfied if she never darkened my door again, but when she does, like an overly needy friend, all I can do is remind her (and myself) that the universe is larger than her need, conserve my strength, and be compassionately attentive. Gradually, in bits and fragments, that larger, brighter universe reveals itself ; slowly, in bits and fragments, the stone is rolled from the tomb, and I become a part of it again. May you also be folding your burial garments soon, and stepping in the light.

    • Ruebi

      This was such a beautiful way of describing it Paula! Very much words of wisdom 🙂

      Bit by bit I have noticed the demon subsiding (settling?), I suppose I find the hardest thing to do during this time is to be compassionate to myself. I turn into my own worst enemy and it takes a long while to claw back from that. I do find it a comfort that others are strong enough to fight back or wait it out and in turn become stronger and stronger.

      Thank you Paula for sharing this! You are amazing!

  7. It’s been a while Ruebi and I am so sorry to read this. Today is not a good day for me, not at all and, whilst I don’t have depression in the way you do, I completely understand the way you deal with it. Thinking of you xx #PoCoLo

    • Ruebi

      ((hugs)) Vic! It has been a while, keep meaning to drop by and see how you’re doing (in fact, note to self: I’ll drop by this weekend!).

      R xx

  8. *Hugs*
    Oh hun I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I hope those demons ease off soon. xxx

    Thanks for linking to #PoCoLo

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