Alternative title: What is all this sparkly, glittery junk all over the living-room? It looks as though a horde of unicorns (or one Edward Cullen) has experienced a violent episode of explosive diarrhea (yes I had to Google the spelling), the sofa is covered, the fireplace is covered, it’s even up the curtains!… And why the fudge is there a knife wielding Snowman giving me the evils?!
There is a tree in the living-room…This is not a drill people! There is a freaking tree, in the living-room! The Pup is watching it with a look in his eyes that can only be interpreted as said tree being either eaten or urinated on or both in the near future. I’m observing the weather and considering going for a walk, a very very long walk…until February maybe.
“Do you like it?” mum asked, incredibly proud of herself.
“Please tell me you didn’t kill any elves when robbing this lot from the grotto…Could do without a miffed Santa wrapping up reindeer turds as presents for us all”.
Seriously, you can see this shit from space. And Santa, if she did steal it, I’m sorry! Don’t give me turds for Christmas!
Mum is a Christmas Smuggie…She absolutely loves everything to do with the festive season, from those tacky Rudolph jumpers (I look like I have an extra tit when wearing them) to lights that take days to unravel (even though you stored them away neatly not 12 months ago!) to the smell of greens cooking (which I don’t understand as it smells of farts), she loves everything! Well nearly everything – she maintains that “Die Hard” and “The League of Gentlemen Christmas Special” are not feel-good Christmassy movies. As you can imagine I take this news like a grown up (read as: I try to explain that they are as Christmassy as Biggins in Panto then throw an utter wobbler and end up watching the movies on my laptop while snaffling as many Quality Street chocolates as physically possible).
I would love to get excited about blue balls hanging from a twig (oh come on, don’t be rude!), really I would, but at the moment it’s just not happening…despite the 17 smiling Santa’s all staring at me (which is actually more disturbing than you would think). When I was little the house was decorated in stuff that my brother and I had created at school…a bog roll reindeer with a limp, a snowman with an eye where his balls should be, a fairy for the top of the tree that was so squiffy she fell over at every opportunity (though can’t say many of us would be able to stand up straight with a tree up our backsides). The kind of crap that only a mother would love…well, I say that, when we moved house my dad forgot to pack Jeffrey the reindeer, Snowy the snowman and Susie the fairy. They remained in the attic gathering dust. Until another family moved into the house.
Mum was gutted to pass that house a few months after the move to find our cotton wool monstrosities sitting in the window accompanied by equally turd-tastic creations. I offer year after year to make new ones but apparently a reindeer with a gammy leg made by a 29 year old just isn’t as cute or as sentimental as a reindeer with a gammy leg made by a 7 year old. Personally I don’t see what the issue is, my art skills have hardly improved with age so I would probably still manage to glue my fingers together and somehow end up with shredded paper so far in my ear canal that I praise all that is holy that I can no longer hear the Christmas tunes that have been assaulting my brain since August!
As I type this there is a half eaten angel under the tree, next to a shadowy spot (which may or may not be a puddle of pee), and a very smug looking Pup.
Come on folks…How many of you have decorated already?