Alternative title (aka Spoiler alert): It’s not a stomach ulcer … Well … I don’t think it’s a stomach ulcer! I mean, Doctor Google says “heck yeah” whereas my GP says “we need to stick a camera somewhere unpleasant” … Maybe Doctor Google is playing devil’s advocate, maybe my GP just likes to scare my guts into behaving (or likes to stick cameras in – or rather up – people’s jacksies), who knows! All I know is that gut ache is rubbish and I don’t like this diet plan it’s imposed on me (for goodness sake, I just want a chocolate orange cupcake sprinkled with custard creams with a cuppa tea, that’s no reason for my stomach to be annoyed, right? RIGHT?!).
Stomach pains are much like ear pains in the respect that they are so utterly frustrating and sore that you start to contemplate removing parts of your anatomy (namely the ouchie part) with a spork … Especially when ‘remedies’ such as ginger tea and Rennies and a couple of other weird things don’t alleviate the pain at all … In fact, even after attempting the magical over the counter based stuff you still end up doubled over crushing a hot water bottle between your belly rolls while glaring at your feet and trying to work out the last time you had a pedicure as quite frankly, your toes are a 9.6 on the minging scale (10 being “pretty darned fetid”).
Situations like this call for action!
They call for taking charge!
They call for
Google MD professional doctor types with qualifications all up in their faces!
Though I did Google my symptoms, you know, out of curiosity and have to say that it spat up some terrifying “diagnoses” that did indeed leave me shitting in my shorts (totally not related to said stomach issues I can assure you – pure terror all the way!) … And prompted the very grown up decision to just ignore the whole thing and hope it went away.
But because I didn’t want a professional doctor type with qualifications all up their faces to think that I was just whinging about a bit of gas after a heavy night on the lash and a dodgy kebab (they always give me the “oh aye?” look when I say I don’t really drink and can’t actually remember my last gin and tonic – due to time frame not level of being plastered you understand) I then waited a week before being bundled to the Out of Hours surgery (and again a couple of days later to the Urgent Care Centre) by my OH. I spent most of my waiting time regaling my fellow patients with insightful whitterings such as “I bet they’ll just tell me I need to fart” and “what’s that stain on the floor?”
Turns out that I may have a lovely bout of Gastritis (without further tests this is what we’re settling on) that will take up to a month to heal and will involve quite a bit of pain every time I eat anything … Or drink anything … Or wake up … Damn thing seems to flare whenever it feels like it! So until the stomach heals up a bit or until the Ranitidine and Codeine* combination space me out enough to not feel anything but the vibrations of the universe that’s me out of my gym / yoga stride … Which is horrible, I miss the gym, I miss my sweaty yoga mat, I even miss the ghastly blue paper towels that you’re supposed to wipe everything down with. Never in my 32 years on this planet did I ever think I would say that … But there you go! Maybe it’s cabin fever talking … I should Google it!
*I’ve tried over the counter Cocodamol (a mix of codeine and paracetamol) for Migraines and most of the time it doesn’t seem to do anything so when I was offered Codeine by a triage nurse to stop me lying on the floor curled up in a ball I was all “eh, yeah, sure”… I was utterly spaced out before I even got to see the Doc and was pretty sure a unicorn was laughing it’s majestic head off while watching Peter’s Kay’s Car Share in the waiting room (needless to say I’m glad the dosage I’m currently on is no where near that level! Geez!).
Anyway, now you know about my digestive issues (whether you wanted to or not) how the diddly doodly are you lovelies? (Except maybe a bit scarred for life after this post).
IMPORTANT BLOGGY SCHEDULE NOTE / PS TYPE THING- I’m going back to studying (sarcastic yay! … After 2 science degrees you would think I’d know better wouldn’t you? But no, shit for brains here has decided to study accounting) so LHB Blog will be updating once a week for a little while. Are Wednesday’s good for you because Wednesday’s are mighty fine for me (after all, it’s midway through the week and you can nearly smell the weekend … Plus I’m a Wednesday’s child, which is pretty obvious when you think about it isn’t it?).
**EDIT : I’m finding Twitter to be quite a negative place at the moment and it’s having a serious impact on my mental well-being … So if you do follow me on there I’m sorry, I’ll probably be rather quiet and will likely only have scheduled tweets going live for a little while BUT I am loving Instagram, it’s giving me some real Wanderlust so if you want to see what I’m up to away from LHB HQ Insta is the place to find me!
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