LHB Blog

A girl, a blog and a cactus named Pudding

Father’s Day … Without You!

Alternative title : Father’s Day … I just can’t seem to avoid it! 

Today is Father’s Day here in the UK … The television has been throwing up as many advertisements as it can about beers and BBQ equipment and various other things they feel that dad’s should be unwrapping (no matter how awkward a wrapping session the object may be for the buyer of said gift – BBQ tongs anyone?), the Radio is a constant whittering hum of “and how are you going to celebrate?” to prompt the listeners to call in and regale us all in between some quite horrific “Summer tunes”, every shop is plastered with cards upon cards upon cards and even my colleagues have been enlightening me on how they are going to spend the weekend treating their dad’s to all manner of food and adventure (and in most cases alcoholic beverages of the whiskey kind!).

While over here in LHB HQ I feel as though I should have a massive neon sign above my head that says “please don’t ask me about Father’s Day” and a red button on my TV remote to opt out of these adverts … The Radio I will gladly put on hiatus for now (and may do for the remainder of the Summer). As for supermarkets, well, short of growing my own food in a short space of time I could hardly avoid them.

The Grief Monster is having a massive field day with this, though I guess that is to be expected! I’m the daughter that plans every gift and/or outing (be it for birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, etc) months in advance, I am a present buying fiend! I love selecting something I know will make someone smile, I treat gift wrapping like an art form, I have mental notes stored away of ideas and plans on how to execute it all … So the moment my birthday was out of the way (last month) my brain fired up to remind me that it was Father’s Day next, then Moonpig joined in … And then came Funky Pigeon … And the supermarkets … I think it kinda snow-balled from there!

It reminded me of the Christmas card I bought that still remains unopened in it’s envelope addressed to my dad, the gift that is still mostly wrapped that he couldn’t enjoy … It reminded me that last Father’s Day we had no idea of the horror that was to come (the Cancer after all was a nightmare we would face 6 months later), we were blissfully lost in the gifts / cards bought, the Yorkshire puddings hidden under gravy and vegetables (the base for any Sunday roast), some random crap on the telly-box (probably “Countryfile” or an old James Bond movie) and tales of daft tat found on sale in the name of sentimentality. Oh to step back in time 12 months … To take in the sound of his voice, the freckles on his arms, his laughter, the grey in his ginger moustache – beard combo, the smell of him. To cherish each hug, each smile, each moment.

To experience once more the feeling of being a daughter with a dad … A bond I didn’t expect to be broken so early!

But I can’t, I’m afraid my DeLorean is in the garage beyond repair for a start … And each card, each advert, each conversation has been a glaring reminder that I will never experience that again. Even now that fact claws at my insides and twists them until there is nothing left but a sadness so melancholic that I can’t explain it, a misery so unique in it’s pain that words just fail in explanation.

It’s my first Father’s Day without my dad … And it feels like I’ve stepped into an alternate reality. One where I’m just watching people prepare for the day, watching them grin as they choose between gifts, knowing that this is something I will no longer do.

An outsider merely observing.


Father's Day ... Without You | LHB Blog

Even though I nip into the shop for coffee granules and a melon I tend to stray to this aisle … And just look at them … Just waiting there to be chosen … I’m not sure which one I would have picked if I still had that choice.


So as for what I’m doing on Father’s Day … If I’m not sitting on the sofa in my pj’s, eating ice-cream and repeatedly saying “how the f- is that *David Thewlis?!” while rewatching this series of “Fargo” (all 3 episodes that I have available to me) then I may be visiting my mum for mummy cuddles, puppy cuddles (Alfie-Boo the Cava-poo is always happy to provide hugs) and plenty of cups of tea.

R x

*As much as I adore Thewlis in this creepy new role (who doesn’t adore Thewlis after the whole Remus Lupin experience?! Plus he’s a fellow Lancastrian so bonus points there) I’m still waiting on him writing a second book … Seriously my copy of “The Late Hector Kipling” is now falling apart I’ve read it so many times! Someone give him a nudge and tell him to break out the writing skills again!

If you (or someone you know) has been (or is being) affected by Cancer, then I can highly recommend Macmillan – they are amazing folks!

**EDIT : I’m finding Twitter to be quite a negative place at the moment and it’s having a serious impact on my mental well-being … So if you do follow me on there I’m sorry, I’ll probably be rather quiet and will likely only have scheduled tweets going live for a little while BUT I am loving Instagram at the minute so if you want to see what I’m up to away from LHB HQ Insta is the place to find me!

Oh, and there are scheduled blog posts coming up so I guess that means I’m kinda back in the blogging chair for a bit! Next one is due Tuesday (which may or may not be me waffling on about my gym adventures … I still can’t do a bloody pull up / chin up / whatever the heck it’s called!).   

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The change in my pocket


Utthan Pristhasana



    What an emotive post, I just want to give you a big hug. Hold onto your memories lovely, I get sad each fathers day as my dad left us and I always think about what could have been. I think it must feel harder for you as its a very real loss. The only small comfort in loss is that you only feel it when you have loved greatly. Hold onto that love xx #pocolo

    • Ruebi

      Thank you Jade, Father’s Day is always going to be quite strange from now on I think … And I think both situations can be classed as a loss. There will always be the “what could have beens” and the “you’re missing out on this” moments, for both of us! I hope you find some closure about him leaving xx

  2. Oh hun, sending love – you have the memories of you and your dad, you always will because you’re not losing your mind anytime soon are you? (no really you’re not) I don’t know if the first year is worse or every year is bad, but I can send you a big squishy hug. Thanks for sharing with #PoCoLo and take care of yourself x

    • Ruebi

      Thank you for the hugs and support Stephanie! 🙂 This year has been very odd to say the least … I still don’t know which was harder, Father’s Day or my birthday (as he wasn’t on the signature bit of the card and I bawled … A LOT). We still have his birthday to come … And we’re scattering his ashes that day, so it may be the most difficult of them all! x

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