Alternative title: Today, the Anxiety and Depression are kicking my ass like a chuffing evil tag team…
I’m hiding in a duvet, surrounded by Lego Mixels and trying to drown out the nagging voice telling me that the world is ending by playing “Birdy -Wings” on repeat…My body is telling me I need to run, it doesn’t seem to matter where to or whether I can leg it in slippers so worn that I’ll probably trip over my own feet within seconds or even that my sports bra is currently in the washing machine and my pups will give me black eyes if I dare to do anything beyond a light jog. No, none of that seems to matter because my brain is suddenly convinced that it is Usain Bolt and that we can sprint away from all the creeping demons.
My brain hasn’t quite realised that the demons hide within it.
It is the calm, balanced, logical, compassionate part…It is also the uncontrollable monster.
I keep reminding myself that everyone has good days and bad days…That these feelings of dread, impending doom and worthlessness will pass.
That all I can do is wait it out.
Attempt to distract it, to calm the beast…By music, by meditation, by watching youtube videos of Tom Hiddleston doing impressions (his Christopher Walken one leaves me with my gob open catching flies – it’s that good!), by yoga…By any means possible. But there are only so many things I can try before I grow tired and merely want to sleep, all the while my brain is telling me that something terrible is about to happen (a la that squeaky voiced teen in just about every slasher movie ever created) and my body trembles as fear courses through it’s veins, I feel unable to fill my lungs, I feel as though I’m drowning. Claustrophobic.
Everything is out of sync. Everything is loud, everything is bright, everything is a reminder that I have a limited existence…An existence I fear I’m wasting by shaking in a room, concealed in a duvet, with a body and brain conspiring against me.
I’m trying to find the positives, the silver linings…No matter how small, because those are the things I need to hold onto when I feel like this. They are the glimmer of hope, the light within the dark. I’ve reached out to those I love, I’ve talked things through over a cup of tea (because tea solves everything right?)…I’ve embraced that these feelings are irrational and are fleeting (even if right now it doesn’t seem like it).
I’m reminding myself that my body doesn’t mean to be like this…That I should treat it in the same way I do with my Hypothyroidism. My body is out of balance, it is struggling, it needs medication to help it, it needs me to be kinder to it, it needs my understanding…It needs me to be respectful of it (even when it’s being an utter turd-bag!).
That this experience is forcing me to change a lot more than I ever thought I could.
That ever since this healing process started…I haven’t had a migraine…Not even a sniff of one, even when I’ve been in trigger situations. After over 15 years of migraine I’m suddenly left with a clear head, no eye pain, no aura…Nothing.
That this is a journey in which there will be good days when my body and mind are at peace with everything, in which it is strong and takes everything in it’s stride. Then there are days like today which plummet you back to the depths to remind you of how difficult things can be…That remind you that bubbling just under the surface is the monster, just waiting to take hold.
To all those suffering…Have a massive HUG! You are not alone…