LHB Blog

A girl, a blog and a cactus named Pudding

Here we go again …

Alternative title: Dear brain, there is only a certain number of sheep I can count jumping over fences before the farmer loses his shit and bellyaches that his flock has disappeared into the night … So go to sleep already! 

 

Brain: “Hey, hey, pssst! Oi!”

Me: “zzzzzz – huh? Dude it’s 3am”

Brain: “Did you remember to lock the front door?”

Me: “Yes I remembered to lock the front door”

Brain: “Are you positive?”

Me: “Yes I’m positive…Now go to sleep”

Brain: “…”

Me “…”

Brain “… Did you lock the back door?”

This fun exchange happens in various forms between the hours of 2am and 6am most nights … Which inevitably has a knock on effect to my waking hours to the extent that the other day my brain told my body that the world was ending after a fax machine threw a wobbler and wouldn’t stop screeching and barfing paper everywhere.

It sounds silly…I know it sounds silly…But in that moment, with my body telling me that it is terrified and that we can’t stay where we are because there is a danger there, all I wanted to go was curl up into a ball and just let the Anxiety run its course…To just shy away from the world…With the Depression telling me that we need to be hidden away.

Instead I booked in to see my GP (again) … I froze at the sight of the medical student sitting opposite her, I stammered my way through the questions, I twisted my hands in knots, I tried to hold back the Anxiety. I tried to hold back the Depression.

I tried.

I always seem to be trying.

I trudged into work with a new prescription, I sat at my desk mulling over the fact I was now on the maximum possible dosage, I held my head in my hands as my mind raced. Overwhelmed. I wanted to scream and shout and cry and throw everything I could get my hands on (… Especially that sodding fax machine!).

I basically just wanted to have a full on tantrum complete with flailing legs and arms and snot bubbles until exhausted … Then go home, grab the biggest duvet I own and have an ‘X-Files‘ marathon while stuffing Jelly Tots into my mush.

Instead of taking that approach (the approach I actually wanted to take), I gave myself time to compose myself as best as I could then admitted to the boss that things weren’t right … That I wasn’t right, and I didn’t have the energy to pretend that I was.

(I then spent the afternoon contemplating throwing my desk load of paperwork in the shredder).

So in that essence I’m not about to write a post on here pretending that I’m ok when I really don’t feel like I am. I’m struggling a bit. I know this is normal in the process, I know that I will have these bad patches, I know that it will just take time and understanding and patience.

Doesn’t stop me wanting to throw an epic bitch fit about it though.

R x

I’m sorry for the very whingy post…Hopefully this time next year I’ll have another ridiculously daft Farmageddon post for you lovely lot to giggle at!

I’ll leave this here in the meantime:

Halloween Pumpkin 2015

Hope you folks have a great Halloween … (from my Instagram)

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6 Comments

  1. Oh Ruebi, I know that place… been there often…am there now. I wish there was something I could do/say to make things better for you… actually perhaps there is (perhaps it wouldn’t hurt to remind myself too)… it does get better, it doesn’t (in my case anyway) get better forever… but it does get better, and (another reminder for me, whilst at same time hugging you), the betters (even the intermittent betters) are worth having. I’m not sure if it’s the same for you (perhaps you won’t know until it springs), but for me (grief aside), there is always a lift (an intermittent) in the spring. So hold that thought my dear, or grab my hand and we’ll hold it together 🙂 … Thinking of you, here if you need to talk. Kimmie x

    • Ruebi

      You hit the nail on the head here Kimmie-dear 🙂 You’re right, it does get better (if only for a short space of time) … It’s just the waiting it out part that is rather trying. Thank you for this comment, it was just what I needed to hear! And for what it’s worth, if you ever fancy an “X-Files” marathon as a distraction I’m willing to share my Jelly Tots 🙂 … Stay strong sweetie! R x

  2. It’s 1.30am and I am doing ten rounds with anxiety too. Bleurgh. We know it will be ok. We know tomorrow is another day. We know it’s a chemical imbalance and nothing more. But it still sucks. Big squishes for you my lovely Ruebi Roo. Am thinking of you and sending all the positive thoughts I can. There’s a mouse loose in my kitchen… I tried to rescue it from the evil clutches of Juno only for it to escape under the fridge! Now there are two dastardly cats just waiting… Run Mousie, run! Eejit mouse. Hope that made you smile a little bit X

    • Ruebi

      Did the mouse get away? D:

      And yes, it does indeed suck because no matter what you do to help yourself heal your brain can be ok one minute and the next it can be throwing an utter tantrum over something completely daft. Like fax machines! Why the fax machine I’ll never know but looking back, it’s quite funny that my body went all “we’re-going-to-die-unless-you-run-screaming-from-this-strange-contraption!” in pretty much 5 seconds of it making odd noises. Sigh.

      Squishy huggles back my dear! Hope you’re doing ok x

  3. If you can’t express your feelings and emotions here then where can you?! I think it is great to get it out of your system and I hope you get through the latest very soon. Sorry for the delay and thank you for linking to #PoCoLo x

    • Ruebi

      There are so many ups and downs in life that I think it’s impossible to keep a blog that is one without the other … It did feel good to write it down 🙂 x

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