LHB Blog

A girl, a blog and a cactus named Pudding

How are you?

Alternative title: 3 little words that individually are insignificant, 3 little words that can be used as a throw-away greeting, 3 little words that when combined threw me into a complete breakdown at my GP’s office. I spiraled, I unraveled … I wiped snot on my sleeve. It was not a pretty sight. 

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve been struggling recently … I’ve been hiding the physical symptoms behind a flawed smile, I’ve been hiding the negative thoughts behind sarcastic humour, I’ve been plastering over the cracks and expecting it to hold. I’ve been trying to convince myself that I can totally handle it.

But sitting in her office on Thursday before the facade finally dissolved, I could only utter “I can’t do this anymore”. I unlocked the door. I let the demons out.

Pretending that you’re is fine is exhausting … You are constantly trying to convince yourself and others that you have a handle on everything, that there is no need to worry, that you are in complete control … In reality, you feel as though any control you may have had has upped and disappeared like a fart in the wind, as though the world around you is imploding into darkness and that there is nothing you can do to stop it.

The belief that every breath you take is poisoned as the pressure in your chest grows, the prickling feeling cascades through your arms as though your very blood is made of thorns, the thought processes race as the Anxiety dances on your synapses and you find yourself crying for it to stop without really knowing what it is. Or rather, what caused it to start in the first place.

It’s not usual for there to be no concrete catalyst for an Anxiety attack … It’s as though your subconscious is worrying away in the background until it can’t hide it anymore and word vomits everywhere. There is simply no time to prepare for the fall out because it just hits you all at once and you end up hyperventilating in IKEA for absolutely no other reason than your brain just deciding to lose it’s shit right in the middle of the chair section.

It’s tiring. It’s exhausting. It sucks.

I can’t pretend that I’m doing ok anymore.

I won’t pretend that I’m doing ok anymore.

*Deep breath* here’s to attempting to make peace with the demons (…again)!

Ties

“Anxiety, it just stops your life” – Amanda Seyfried 💔 … Or leaves you crying under a duvet because the world is too much. (Pic is from my Instagram).

 

I know this post is up late lovelies (really, really sorry 🙁 ), please bear with me while I work through a few things!

To all those suffering at the moment … Have massive squidgy Ruebi huggle! Stay strong and be kind to yourselves!

R x

PS – I’m now off to watch “The Detectorists” while drinking tea … Lot’s and lot’s of glorious tea.

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22 Comments

  1. I too struggle with anxiety and have a hard time showering, dressing and getting out the door. I have good days and bad days. Hoping for some relief for you.

    • Ruebi

      Living with Anxiety is so difficult at times … Recently I have wanted to spend most of my time cuddled under a duvet sleeping rather than deal with anything. Hope things have eased up for you Emily ((hugs))

  2. Sending good thoughts your way 🙂

  3. Hey, I understand totally I’ve suffered postnatal depression & panic attacks. It does get easier, take each day as it comes. Hope you’re getting the help and support you need. #weekendblogshare

    • Ruebi

      I suppose that is the trick – to take each day as it comes and accept that there will be good days and bad. I am lucky that I do have a great support network (and I’m lucky that this experience has shown me who can be relied on and trusted). Hope everything is going well for you ((hugs))

  4. Sending some positive vibes your way. I too struggle with anxiety and depression. I can understand how you feel. Some days, I feel like that duck floating along the water, meanwhile, my feet are moving rapidly below water to stay afloat. Some days, I remind myself that “this too shall pass” other days, I can barely get out of bed. Know that you’re not alone.
    P.S. Came across your site from #weekendblogshare

    • Ruebi

      Awww thank you for the positive vibes lovely! I’ve spent a lot of time recently just trying to function with it, pretending that everything is just fine and I suppose from the outside it looked like everything was fine. It really wasn’t, I just felt incapable of saying “I’m not okay” to people. It is a comfort to know I’m not alone in this and not alone in feeling like the duck floating on water! xx

  5. I have a dragon who is currently sleeping, but it’s not easy when he wakes. I truly hope you manage to give those damn demons need a right good kick in the nether regions real soon. Sue via #WeekendBlogShare

    • Ruebi

      That is totally what the demons need! 🙂 (Preferably with a decent pair of steel toe capped boots!).

  6. Ooof sending good vibes your way. I hope things turn up soon. I am so glad I read this because lately I’ve been having a tough time, too. Just standing in the shower thinking, “I want to quit life.” You’re not alone! Here’s to us getting better.

    • Ruebi

      The shower and I have had conversations like that too … It’s such a strange thing to admit. Even if it’s just to ourselves (and the shower).

      Here’s totally to us getting better! ((Hugs))

  7. I completely understand what you are going through. I have been dealing with anxiety for a long time now. I actually did have a full blown panic attack the one and only time I have ever been in an IKEA and could not find my way out of the store. One of the things I have learned is that some days I am not okay and that is okay to admit, which was hard for me to accept being a perfectionist and control freak. Some days I am just hanging on by a thread but I know tomorrow will probably be better. It’s okay not to be okay.

    Thanks so much for sharing this at the #TrafficJamWeekend Linky Party.

    • Ruebi

      Hi Evelyn, I think I need “it’s okay not to be okay” as my mantra! I am learning that during an Anxiety attack my body can’t control what’s happening to it so being angry or frustrated with it just makes the whole thing worse. I was told that perfectionism is behind my OCD so I totally get how difficult it is to admit that you’re not okay … It’s also made accepting help from people a little bit difficult though I do acknowledge that it is a necessity.

      ((Hugs)) x

  8. I’m so sorry that you’re struggling at the moment. I totally relate to it and you’re right, it’s exhausting. Well done for seeing your GP though and asking for help. I hope some is coming your way. Thanks for joining the #weekendblogshare

    • Ruebi

      My GP and I will be on first name terms soon with how frequently I’m at her office! Lmao … That said, she is an amazing doctor, I’m so lucky to have her as part of my support network.

      I guess it’s important to acknowledge just how tiring dealing with Anxiety/Depression can be – Something I hadn’t really done until I wrote this post. Means I have to do a bit more listening to what my brain/body needs (aside from my meds … Sleep … Tea!).

  9. Hang on in there, sending hugs to you. It’s been a tough week. We can do this, a new one starts tomorrow. x

  10. Sending hugs lovely, and it’s absolutely ok to say you’re not ok. But hope you’re well on the way to being more than ok again. Thanks for linking to #PoCoLo x

    • Ruebi

      Thank you Stephanie! I’m still learning that it’s ok to say I’m not ok, some days it is easier to admit to than others … But I’m getting there, slowly x

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