Alternative title: 3 little words that individually are insignificant, 3 little words that can be used as a throw-away greeting, 3 little words that when combined threw me into a complete breakdown at my GP’s office. I spiraled, I unraveled … I wiped snot on my sleeve. It was not a pretty sight.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve been struggling recently … I’ve been hiding the physical symptoms behind a flawed smile, I’ve been hiding the negative thoughts behind sarcastic humour, I’ve been plastering over the cracks and expecting it to hold. I’ve been trying to convince myself that I can totally handle it.
But sitting in her office on Thursday before the facade finally dissolved, I could only utter “I can’t do this anymore”. I unlocked the door. I let the demons out.
Pretending that you’re is fine is exhausting … You are constantly trying to convince yourself and others that you have a handle on everything, that there is no need to worry, that you are in complete control … In reality, you feel as though any control you may have had has upped and disappeared like a fart in the wind, as though the world around you is imploding into darkness and that there is nothing you can do to stop it.
The belief that every breath you take is poisoned as the pressure in your chest grows, the prickling feeling cascades through your arms as though your very blood is made of thorns, the thought processes race as the Anxiety dances on your synapses and you find yourself crying for it to stop without really knowing what it is. Or rather, what caused it to start in the first place.
It’s not usual for there to be no concrete catalyst for an Anxiety attack … It’s as though your subconscious is worrying away in the background until it can’t hide it anymore and word vomits everywhere. There is simply no time to prepare for the fall out because it just hits you all at once and you end up hyperventilating in IKEA for absolutely no other reason than your brain just deciding to lose it’s shit right in the middle of the chair section.
It’s tiring. It’s exhausting. It sucks.
I can’t pretend that I’m doing ok anymore.
I won’t pretend that I’m doing ok anymore.
*Deep breath* here’s to attempting to make peace with the demons (…again)!
I know this post is up late lovelies (really, really sorry 🙁 ), please bear with me while I work through a few things!
To all those suffering at the moment … Have massive squidgy Ruebi huggle! Stay strong and be kind to yourselves!
PS – I’m now off to watch “The Detectorists” while drinking tea … Lot’s and lot’s of glorious tea.