Alternative title: I like to move it, move it … I like to move it, move it … I like to FIDGET! Ok so that’s a total lie, I hate to fidget, but it seems to be my body’s automatic reaction to, well, pretty much anything! That pose that you do in yoga when you just lie on the floor (the rather happily named “Corpse Pose“), yep my toes are fussing in my little yoga socks. Watching that light-hearted comedy about hitting rock bottom before rising like the proverbial phoenix with fart jokes, yep I’m biting the skin around my nails.
I can’t seem to stop fidgeting, in fact I’m pretty sure I even fidget in my sleep! I know I certainly grind my teeth in my sleep as I wake up with a jaw aching worse than the time I thought I could defeat one of those giant gob stoppers in my youth (swear those things were just rocks coated in sugary shit).
I fidget because the Anxiety gets too much … I click my nails together, I scratch the tops of my nails (usually if my brain tells me there are unsightly ridges there), I bite my nails, I pick (and bite) the skin around my nails. Sigh … My poor nails! I’m surprised they aren’t an utter shit storm of mangled keratin by now. This is the reason I don’t go for manicures – I have a fear that the poor manicurist will end up sobbing into her coffee at the mere mention of my name in the appointment book!
I also crack my fingers, I crack my wrists, I crack my left ankle, I mess with my phone case (it makes a clicking noise), I crack my left shoulder (I can dislocate it which is quite the party trick – but pretty disgusting and painful too), I mess with remote controls (usually removing and replacing the backs of them and … You guessed it, they make a clicking noise), I pick at my teeth (I have an irrational fear of them all falling out) and sometimes I grind them (usually in my sleep), I chew the inside of my mouth (sometimes until it bleeds), I pick at my skin (spots for the most part but also ‘perceived’ excess skin usually found around my belly), my legs jiggle enough to give Michael Flatley a run for his money (which is why I sit cross legged a lot) and I fuss with my helix ear piercing (which is why I own a lot of beanie hats).
And I’m sure I’m a nightmare to work with … I click pens (if they’re the clickable type, if not I’m quite content to sit there chewing the heck out of the pen lid … Or even removing the inner part of the pen and chewing that), I tap my right index finger on the desk when I’m not typing or writing or doodling, I tap my left index finger on my coffee cup (which is made of bamboo so isn’t too noisy thankfully) anytime there is a beverage (hot or cold) inside it, I scratch the back of my neck when talking to people who are considered ‘senior’ (I have no idea why), if I wear my hair down I will fuss with it and then worry about how many strands I’m losing in a day (I wear my hair in a bun a lot because of this) …
I seem to be constantly messing with something!
I try not to fuss with things, I really do … And sometimes I think I’m doing really well until I realise that I’ve been absentmindedly scratching the palms of my hands for over an hour while watching a TV series (currently hooked on “Food Unwrapped” which is probably a terrible thing to be watching when my brain is kicking off about my food choices).
As it happens I have one of the new fangled fidget cube things on order as an early (but looks more likely to be an on time with delivery dates) birthday present! I can actually hear my nails shrieking with glee at that fact! Do any of you lovely lot fidget when you are anxious? How do you deal with it or calm it down?
Also, I’m just going to mention that M and I will be off on our travels soon to celebrate the day of my birth … Actually it’s more of a distraction technique, with how my mood has been recently I’m pretty positive that my first birthday without my dad is going to be one heck of an emotional rollercoaster. We’re off to beautiful Amsterdam this coming SATURDAY! Woop! So if you can recommend anywhere for us to immerse our souls into the culture then hollar at me! If you want to keep track of our adventures in Amsterdam you can follow me on Instagram here (I totally checked that the hotel had WiFi!). As with all my travels I’ll be using the #LHB_Travels hashtag and would love to have you join us as we navigate that beautiful city!
PS – Last week was Mental Health Awareness Week – which is obviously the perfect time to talk, to share your experiences, to break down stigma and to show the world that it’s ok not to be ok! But it’s also a great reason to continue all these things beyond MHAW as Mental Health will still need talking about, experiences will still need sharing, stigma will still need it’s ass kicking and the world will always need reminding that it’s ok not to be ok.
Regular readers of my blog will be aware that I have Anankastic Personality Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), if you’re curious about how these affect my life (or just fancy a bit of insight into the conditions) you can have a nosy here! These conditions are there daily, not just for 1 week out of the year … Sometimes the demons are quiet and allow me the chance to have a ‘good day’ other times, well, other times you’ll find me bawling over an OCD ritual or fighting with my PD over just how worthless I am.
So yeah … Keep talking peeps! It’s incredibly important to keep talking!
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