LHB Blog

A girl, a blog and a cactus named Pudding

In which Anxiety brings a friend

Alternative title: Sometimes the most difficult thing is saying “I need help”…

 

I’m shaking, I’m crying, I can’t breathe, I’m terrified…I feel as though I’m drowning…My words fall from my mouth in heaved gasps as I try to explain how I feel, but I can’t seem to describe it. They seem lost, confused. I sniffle and wipe snot on my hoodie and try to catch my breath.

I feel stupid for being here…I apologise…

“You don’t need to apologise” he says as he pushes the tissues towards me.

“We need to work towards a solution” he says as he smiles gently.

“But first you need to know what you’re facing…” he says as he places his hands together.

“And what’s that exactly?” I whisper.

“Anxiety Disorder and Depression” he says.

I’ve spoken on the blog before about my problems with Anxiety…But over recent months it’s been spiraling. Becoming more and more unmanageable until I found myself asking my GP for help, my brain trying to talk me out of the appointment as I sat waiting for my name to be called in the reception area…Trying to convince me that nothing was wrong, that my panicking over the daftest things (i.e. crying over toast!) was perfectly normal. That my obsessive behaviours were just control mechanisms I used to cope with a bit of stress. That it didn’t warrant taking up the 10 minute time slot I had been allocated.

My brain was wrong.

“We’ll do a two pronged approach – medication and counselling” the doc said scribbling out a prescription.

I just nodded.

As I left the surgery I decided that I shouldn’t hide this experience, I shouldn’t hide the diagnosis…Family, friends, colleagues all know what I’m going through (those were difficult conversations, not as difficult as saying “I need help” to a medical professional though). I did this so they would understand why I was a bit out of sorts, I did this so that they would understand that I needed time to heal, I did this so they would understand that I was not ashamed by it (as I’ve already been told I should be).

For the most part people have been supportive…There are, of course, people who treat you as though you have the plague but I’ve found they are few and far between.

My initial counselling assessment confirmed the GP’s diagnosis…My name was added to the waiting list for therapy (I’m still on the waiting list for therapy).

I was signed off work for a little while (as I reacted quite badly to the first set of meds) and took the opportunity to go on a hiatus from the blog and social media…It was quite a welcome break. It was a lot of necessary me time. As such I’ve decided to update this blog once a week (Tuesdays) – with sporadic posts on Thursdays – and will probably have a reduced presence on social media while I focus on the journey ahead, so please bear with me.

I’m back at work now that I’m settled on new meds and (for the moment) I’m feeling strong…

R x

 

 

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12 Comments

  1. Lots of ‘brave’ going on here hun… from your initial ‘help me’, to this post.

    You know where I am if you need a friend… don’t be afraid to shout (in the virtual sense), much love, Kimmie x

    • Ruebi

      Thank you Kimmie…You’ve been amazing support! And likewise, should you ever need someone to natter/vent to – just give me a nudge! Love R x

  2. I’m thinking of you darling Roo Xxx I know EXACTLY what you’re going through and I understand. Big hugs and lots of love to you XXXXX

  3. One of the first steps you have taken on the road to recovery is to have written this post. One of the next is to take support from your fellow bloggers. This is hard but you CAN do it. Anxiety is a difficult thing. I hope to be able to give you words of encouragement over the coming weeks. Thinking of you and thanks for linking to #PoCoLo x

    • Ruebi

      Thank you Vicky! I was a little scared as to how this post would be received but people have been incredibly supportive! It’s an amazing thing 🙂 x

  4. I think that you are so brave for going to the doctor. The most important step is you ask me. Which I still need to do but I am not as strong as you =( #PoCoLo

    • Ruebi

      I can honestly say I didn’t feel very strong when I was there, I was terrified (and blubbing, a lot)! But you’re right, it was the most important step…I didn’t realise it until I left the GP surgery.

      You can do this too…I believe in you! Stay strong Merlinda! x

  5. Been here too but the waiting list even for a first counselling appointment was 9 months where I lived so I haven’t had any as such. You’re wise to take things at your own pace and I send you good luck and warm wishes 🙂 #pocolo

    • Ruebi

      Thank you Lisa 🙂 I think I need to learn to be kinder to myself and accept things as they are…To heal at my own pace and be more understanding. Waiting lists can be quite lengthy, I’m lucky that mine is estimated at 2-3 mths. How long into the waiting period are you? ((hugs)) x

  6. Not sure what to say but didn’t want to read and run.

    I’m new to your blog but well acquainted with lots in your post. I had depression and anxiety a good while back now [so at least I’m living proof that it can get better!]. I too had the medication/counselling approach and, while at the time I found it excruciating that I needed so much help, like I was a complete failure and embarrassment … I know now that it was the best think that ever happened to me. I’m thankful to have gone through the process as I’m so much more self-aware, with many more insights and coping mechanisms in place that the rest of the ‘normal’ people who never have their sense of themselves questioned.

    Ha! I said I didn’t know what to say and now look at me rambling on! Bravo for sharing your struggles with your Doctor, your friends and anyone who drops by here.

    Julie

    • Ruebi

      Thank you Julie for stopping and sharing your story – it’s a definite much needed boost to the negative noggin to know that things can and do get better with time, patience, help and support 🙂 When people do ask me about this I do say it is a journey I need to go through to find a way of healing, a way of listening to what my body/mind needs and to be more self-aware.

      It’s teaching me to be strong while still respecting my emotions, to deal with stressful circumstances without feeling as though the world will end if I fail…I don’t have to be my own worst enemy anymore.

      And there’s me rambling on! Lmao 🙂 (I find it easier to talk about things now too – as you can tell!) x

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