Alternative title: My Mental Health has thrown me down shit creek (again) without a paddle, or boat … Or even a sodding life jacket! My brain has kicked and screamed and bellyached at every opportunity (over the slightest of things) … And yet to many, I seem completely in control.
One of the few that does know that I’m suffering, is my new Psych Doc (Dr. C) as during our first meeting I was in floods of tears because my brain was telling me that I needed to check the handbrake on the car (for the 10th … 11th … 12th time!) and that by being in the waiting room I was being negligent and that someone would get hurt (they might even die!) and it would be all my fault … I’d already been back to my car twice and ready to dash for a third time when my name was called.
We talked … It was AMAZING to just talk … To explain that my head felt like a bag of rabid squirrels on a Red Bull binge and that no amount of cursing would get them furry little bastards off the caffeine. That my mind was racing, with so many things, day and night, night and day … And that I’m exhausted. Constantly exhausted.
I talked for a while, a long while … And he just, listened. Occasionally making notes, his pen scribbled a scrawl detailing my life. Before starting a couple of tests, they didn’t take long and the answers came easily.
Eventually he said “I think the current diagnosis of Depression and Anxiety is wrong. I think they are a symptom, I don’t think they are a diagnosis”
I played with the gloves covering my hands as he spoke, picking at a loose thread.
“Do you have any idea what I was testing you for?”
“Based on what we’ve talked about and the tests we’ve done, I have to tell you that yes you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder … But you also have Anankastic Personality Disorder. These are what are causing your Anxiety and your Depression and even your issues with body image” and with that he smiled, as though he had broken a code.
“-kastic Personality Disorder, it’s more commonly known as Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder“.
The rest of the session was a bit of a blur … I know that OCD and OCPD are independent disorders (but can have a comorbid relationship) but I didn’t manage to take much else in*
It feels pant-wettingly terrifying, liberating and dizzying all at the same time.
What I do know is that I’m saying goodbye to Mirtazapine this week (thank goodness!) it’s not been working for me and has resulted in a rather frustrating weight gain of over a stone and a half that I’m now attempting to shift … And am due to become acquainted with Clomipramine (a tricyclic antidepressant) this weekend. Once I’ve adjusted to this new medication (we’re increasing the dose over the course of a month), a second medication (an SSRI) will be joining the mix which I suspect will be mi ole mucker Citalopram.
So yeah, it’s all go at LHB HQ it seems! How are you lovely lot?
*At session 3 (session 2 was a quick “we need you off Mirtazapine ASAP” appointment) Dr. C is going to explain in detail the similarities and differences between OCD and OCPD so I have a better understanding of it. I guess it’s going to be one big learning curve!
**EDIT : Yeah, Clomipramine and me didn’t get a long … At all! Urgh!**
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