Alternative title: Caffeine withdrawal symptoms are kicking my butt (I get a strange twitch whenever I smell coffee), everyone I know is on a sodding diet (no I don’t want to know how many points are in a single Jelly Tot!) and my body clock is so out of sync that my brain is too puddled to register if I’m wearing pants (I don’t think this is unique to January though)…
I’m in the work’s car park with a puzzled look on my face…my legs look grey. This could mean that (despite still being half asleep) I managed to drag on some trousers OR (more likely) my milk bottle skin just goes that colour during the Winter months.
“I erm…I can’t tell if I’m wearing pants…of any kind” I mutter out loud, choosing to ignore the bemused looks of my fellow staff members.
“Trust me love, you’d be flapping in the breeze if you weren’t wearing anything” my brain said cheerfully. Git.
I started January feeling quite positive…I’ll give you a moment to stop laughing…Done? Brilliant. As I was saying, I started January feeling quite positive. 2015 is, after all, a time in which we can all take a good look at the shit fest that was 2014 and think “I’m tired of your rubbish Universe, this year your butt is mine”.
As it is, I’ve told a colleague that should she ever stick a coffee under my nose (while saying “but it smells so good”) again, I will insert her head up her rectum…I’m not joking. I’m not about to reveal what I would do for a silky smooth freshly brewed cup of coffee right now, but needless to say sticking someone’s head up their rusty sheriff’s badge really isn’t that big a deal.
I’ve thrown a temper tantrum at a door that wouldn’t open; yes it was unlocked, yes it said push on it, yes I pulled instead…Because I’m a dozy sod. Must have been quite a sight for those around me to witness a nearly 30 something slapping a door while bellowing “come on you stupid piece of- argh! I know you open you’re just being bloody awkward!”
I’ve also whinged the whole way round Bolton Abbey and that place is picturesque (very unlike me, especially as they have a place called the Valley of Desolation – how cool is that?). Poor M had to deal with me bellyaching about how my face was numb from the cold (in fairness it was numb enough for me to bite a chunk out of my cheek…while I was whinging…I’m sure there’s some sort of lesson I should be learning from that).
I’ve been trying not to be so irritable but even the “every cloud has a silver lining” statement has me wanting to throw a wobbler about how clouds in Lancashire usually indicate a downpour. The pessimist in me is strong and she is saying “screw this…I’m off back to bed, wake me up just after my 30th birthday and don’t you dare touch my gin!”…
On the plus side, I’ve found my future home…
I suppose I can say with absolute certainty that I have flunked my 2nd New Years Resolution…I did say that I would completely balls that one up though. Didn’t need a crystal ball to see that coming!
So folks, how is 2015 treating you so far? Any January blues?