Alternative title: A Migraine is like your brain blue-screening, just with a hell of a lot more silent cursing and grinding of teeth…Control-Alt-Delete! Reboot…
“What the-?” I squinted, waved my hand infront of my face, closed my eyes, opened them and “…oh frick no”.
“Oh frick yes!” My brain slurred, I’m sure it had nipped to the pub while I was at work. Cheeky git didn’t even bring me back anything, I would have settled for a pack of pork scratchings.
Little white blotches were scattered over my field of vision; the romantics would go “awww, it’s snowing” despite the fact it lashes it down too much in Lancashire for us to really experience snow (we get the slushy type not the crunchy type…may as well be throwing cold chicken soup at each other during ‘snow ball fights’). The Migraineur however would see the blotches for what they really are and they would cower with fear…They would rather be stuck in a broken elevator with a group of old people who were all suffering from squitty botty syndrome than experience –
“Aura” I whimper.
“Aura!” confirms my brain.
Aura is generally considered a warning sign (I’ve mentioned mine before), a “take your pain killers and hope…because if they don’t work your noggin will be in Dickie’s Meadow” …Despite the co-codamol within half an hour my brain was happily skipping through that freaking meadow full of horse turds and empty cans of special brew, probably singing some god-awful song that is usually bellowed by those who dress as though they’re going rat catching.
I on the other hand, was lying in a darkened room cursing under my breath…Not one to blow my own trumpet but I’d be a great Silent Rapper. Kinda like the Silent Singer just with more profanity and baggy trousers that show off a dazzling pair of Spongebob grundies.
I’m not sure what causes my migraines but being run down is one factor I consider a trigger and having had Cholera (not really) recently I was positive they were linked and nothing at all to do with my milk addiction. Realisations about possible triggers mean nothing when you reach the stage where your thoughts are like Alphabetti Spaghetti and you’ve been staring at the same point (which you assume to be the wall but may be the back end of a donkey for all you care) for over three hours. Face stuck to the pillow with drool.
Somewhere in the misfiring neurons is the message that:
1. you need a pee.
2. you really need a pee.
3. you haven’t brushed your teeth so when you wake up tomorrow you will feel as though a badger has taken a dump in your mouth (there really isn’t any point in attempting this level of basic hygiene when in the midst of a migraine, it will feel as though you have taken a jack hammer to your chompers – particularly that sensitive wisdom tooth that is still breaking gum).
4. your kidneys hurt…because you need a pee.
Lying in your own pee is not an option for any rational person, but I’m sure I’m not the only Migraineur to consider it a viable option when you’re too muddled to know where your feet are. I should also point out that by putting the light on in the bathroom you are saying to your brain “is this the worst you’ve got you son of a bitch! I’ve experienced more discomfort from salt and vinegar crisps!” This means you return to bed in a worse state than before…your kidneys will feel better though, and you won’t smell of stale urine at work the next day (after sleeping through all three alarms and struggling with putting on a shirt…too many buttons damnit).
Occasionally you will make slight movements in the night so limbs don’t cramp up, but not enough to anger the gods of brain ache.
At some point you fall asleep.
Are any of you migraine sufferers? If so, how do you cope with them? Do you recognise your triggers?