Alternative title: Eh why bother? I’ll just make a list that will cause me to overthink everything from the size of my butt to the zit mutating on my forehead and result in me proclaiming “this is bull-poop” while tearing open my fourth tub of Quality Street and crying into the strawberry creams.
I’m not dedicated enough to train for a marathon, I love coffee too much to give up caffeine, I have found myself on the edge of crying at the tedious nature of salads and no amount of dry brushing my butt is going to get rid of stretch marks nor cellulite.
I start the year full of good intentions and motivation…But I’m a lazy git so it doesn’t last long and by 3pm on New Years day I have officially scrapped the list and shoved my mush into as many mince pies as physically possible.
This year I am working until late on New Years Eve so I have no plans to party, get drunk or fall asleep in a garlic kebab. Instead I will probably be at home, in my pyjamas, with a gin over ice…and probably watching ‘The X-Files‘ while screaming “for goodness sake Scully, it’s the work of ALIENS! Everyone knows those creepy little sods have nipped to Ann Summers ready for their next spate of cow stealing”.
I haven’t bothered with creating resolutions as such as mine are the same year on year:
- Lose weight: This has been adapted to ‘adopt a healthier attitude to food and physical wellbeing‘ because quite frankly, I spend enough time obsessing over numbers as it is without having to add this to the mix. Also I don’t own bathroom scales and can’t imagine that the cute little scales I have to weigh flour would be able to cope if I stood on them…there would be springs and bits of plastic everywhere! Carnage! So I figure small manageable changes that can be introduced over the course of the year would be better…drink more water, do more exercise than merely climbing the stairs when needing to visit the bathroom after all that water (jumping jacks after a shower maybe?…huh, that sounds quite dangerous actually…flailing boobs are a health and safety issue I’m sure), eat 3 real meals a day (I’ve been told once again that Monster Munch does not constitute a meal), cut down on the junk food…You all know the type of tripe I’m harping on about here, you don’t need me to point it all out, it’s basically the stuff we know is good for us but that we just don’t bother with for various reasons.
- Stop being such a miserable shit: Yeah….never going to happen…This is probably going to be engraved on my headstone one day: “Ruebi, daughter, Claret, miserable shit”. The last time I tried to smile the ripple of unease was felt the world over, no one could explain why they felt as though an evil force had awakened with a grunt and a fart, they just knew that they didn’t like the bubbling of impending doom emanating from their anxious stomachs…That tale sounds way better than the truth which is that I once lost a tooth in an epic battle with a piece of mango, as such I’m a bit paranoid about being compared to Gummy Joe. Stupid mango…”Eat fruit” the government said, “it’s good for you” they said…my long lost tooth says otherwise!
- Decrease caffeine intake: I fully admit that I have a problem with caffeine…It is a very passionate destructive love affair that I fear will end in my demise…I will deal with this in my own-…Oh Coffee! What am I thinking?!
At some point I will fail (don’t bull-poop me with “nah, you can do it if you just set your mind to it!” because that kind of bull-poop stinks), I know I will probably have a rough day and binge on coffee or chocolate or gin and you know what? I am ok with this, we all have blips when making changes…Well, I say that now, when I’m covered head to toe in caramel drool and tears I will probably think better of that statement.
So folks, are you resolution setters? If you are what have you decided upon? If not, have you settled on any mini goals for the coming year?