Alternative title: I. Fricking. Hate. Playing. ‘Cluedo’.
“Can I be the murderer?” I shove Rev. Green towards the kitchen.
“That isn’t how ‘Cluedo‘ works…” my brother said “you have to solve the murder”.
“What the hell do I look like? Miss Marple?!”
“Ruebi just play the game”.
“Give me the…spanner? Is that a spanner or a wrench? Doesn’t matter just give it to me, give me the spanner-wrench thing!…No you can’t have it back it’s evidence and you are all suspects in a murder enquiry…”
“And where is my Tena Lady?! I have a bladder the size of a pea! How I am expected to work under such conditions? What’s my name again? Maple you say? As in the syrup?”
Needless to say, I don’t like ‘Cluedo’. I tolerate it every Christmas time because my mum has a funny obsession with the murder-mystery game, though I should point out that by that stage of the evening I have swigged enough alcohol to ensure I don’t know my ass from my elbow let alone whether or not Professor Plum got a bit over excited with the lead pipe in the conservatory.
Each year I swear I’m going to bury the game under the paving slabs in the back garden, that way I can giggle to myself every time the pup takes a dump on it…But I haven’t, I suspect I would feel so guilty I would end up going all ‘Tell Tale Heart‘ and start scraping at the ground (dog turds and all) while yelling “they’re in the fudging ballroom with the revolver! I can hear it clicking!”
Click, click, click, click.
So each year I sit at the table, swirling the ice cubes in my gin and guessing as many combinations as I can muster until finally saying “I accuse…” just so I can sneak away and watch the Doctor Who Christmas Special. I think this only backfired a couple of times when I accused myself and found out I was indeed the murderer…Was a complete surprise to me (and Professor Plum…I’m always Professor Plum…No idea why, maybe it’s the glasses).
Other times it works rather well and I get to maintain a safe distance as the game progresses…I get to observe my mum trying to sneak a look at my dad’s cards as my brother pulls his best Poirot face. The moment the penny drops for one of them is absolutely priceless, there are a couple of seconds in which their eyes grow wide and then panic as they attempt to steer the attention of the others away from the same realisation. A total game changer. It’s quite fun to watch.
This is a board game that actually brings my family together…For a couple of evenings a year we gather around the board with our little characters, sometimes we just play the usual game and guess the murderer, other times we actually make up tales to go with it. One year Miss Scarlett got rather squiffy with Professor Plum and ended up dancing on the tables before being thrown out of the house (bad influence that Professor Plum)…
Which board games are you subjected to at Christmas?
EDIT: I actually enjoyed the film version (‘Clue‘)…Though the last time I watched it I was experiencing a severe bout of insomnia and found myself watching that, followed closely by ‘Young Frankenstein‘ (“Fronkensteen!”)…That made for some very weird dreams.