LHB Blog

A girl, a blog and a cactus named Pudding

Open your eyes

Alternative title: Please don’t ever tell me to “just pretend to be happy” … Because the ‘happy’ you want me to be is a poisoned chalice. 

I make no secret of the state of my Mental Health, heck there is a whole category for it right here on this blog … And recently, it has been quite the state. My Depression has taken me into a free fall of intrusive thoughts, self loathing, thoughts of self harm, I’ve shed countless tears without really knowing why … So, as you can imagine, to be told to “just pretend to be happy” instead of receiving support threw me straight into the realms of isolating myself. It gave my Depression exactly what it wanted.

I’m not entirely sure what’s worse … The fact this instruction was given so nonchalantly or the fact that because of that one sentence, I actually felt ashamed of myself for having this illness. Because yes, Depression is an illness. 

Do you really think I choose to be this way? If I could click my fingers right this moment and never feel the taste of Depression again, don’t you think I’d do that? In fact, I’d also click my fingers and make my thyroid start producing hormones again! Oh, and maybe when I get aura I could click my fingers and the Migraines would stop!

Wouldn’t that be marvellous? I could finally be free of those pesky thyroxine meds, anti-depressants and painkillers all at once … Because surely this method would apply to all illnesses right?

But you know what, it doesn’t work that way. Trust me I’ve tried, like Dorothy clicking those beautiful red shoes together … I have tried. And when that failed I called Mind’s Matter for a referral, I called my GP’s office to discuss medication, I confided in my friends, my family, my boyfriend, my yoga instructor (no I’m not joking, she’s a damned good listener!). Hell I even started trying alternative therapies in an attempt to battle this demon. To at least put up a fight in a situation in which giving up sounds like a bloody good option at times.

I sometimes wonder if it would be easier to just stop fighting …

But I won’t.

Now … This next bit will sound really strange but through all this it made me realise that I should probably thank you. And yes, my thank you is sincere. That throw away statement made me feel so much disgust, embarrassment and shame for myself … And for you. I’d like to say it is ignorance or naivety … I really would. Instead I’m going to give it it’s real name – Stigma.

Stigma, in case you’re wondering, is “a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person“.

So … Thank you. Thank you for showing me that there is still so much work left to do to raise awareness of Mental Health issues because I am not going to stop talking, writing, screaming about Depression (or Anxiety, or BDD, or OCD for that matter!) until it is seen for the devastating, dangerous illness that it really is.

 

coffee-love

Something tells me I’m going to need an awful lot of coffee … And meringue … But mostly coffee (pic is from my Insta)

 

R x

PS – I’ve said this before but if any of you reading this are struggling or considering harming yourself please please please reach out. Please don’t hide! It’s scary but you are not alone, I know it feels like that at times but you really aren’t alone. Speak to a friend, a family member, a GP, a therapist, the Samaritans, Mind, anyone …

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10 Comments

  1. I’ve suffered from depression probably my whole life. I never have self-harm thoughts but I swear I feel like I’m walking in quick sand no matter how many hours of sleep I get or how much or little I’m doing in a day. Do you ever feel that way? Like you just want to sleep for a week the moment you wake up in the morning.

    Anyway, thanks for the connection. I came over from the Traffic Jam Weekend Link Party, but I’ll definitely be back.

    • Ruebi

      Oh Patty, I totally get that feeling! As though the brain is so tired it’s foggy, feeling physically exhausted to the point of just wanting to sleep even though you’ve just woken up, of having so little concentration or focus. I thought it was my Thyroid at first (as being exhausted all the time is a signal my Thyroid medication needs stabilising) … Turns out it was a symptom of the Depression.

      I hope you’re doing ok x

  2. Great to read that you are helping to spread the word and help others. #PoCoLo

  3. Sending lots of love. My ex husband left me a month after I was diagnosed with post natal depression. He and his family are so discriminating towards mental health. It’s so ridiculous. I hope you have a good week. Thank you for joining the #weekendblogshare

    • Ruebi

      Oh my word Hannah I’m so sorry to hear that! That’s horrific! Sending much love and positive vibes ((hugs)) x

  4. #eatsleepblogrt I love your honesty and think my positive mindset can often cause this reaction in some. I agree more needs to be said, educated and more importantly people with depression need to write and share their experiences, this i realise isn’t always so easy. Thank you for being one of the honest

    • Ruebi

      I like that times are changing with regards to Mental Health and that dialogue has been opened with regards to what it is and what happens when there is a deterioration … I guess it helps that information is so readily available online! I do think there is still such a long way to go though.

  5. What a thought-provoking post.

    I hope that the stigma lessens soon in society at large. I have seen more examples of people being completely honest about their mental illnesses and getting pretty empathic responses in my own social circles, so that gives me some hope for the future. 🙂

    • Ruebi

      I’m hoping the more that we share our journeys and talk about Mental Health that it will fuel further understanding and lessen the stigma. Hopefully! 🙂

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