LHB Blog

A girl, a blog and a cactus named Pudding

Silent Night

Alternative title: I’ve been on hold for 3 hours 32 minutes and 28 seconds…29 seconds…30 seconds…This has resulted in me shrieking “don’t I fricking know it!” everytime the robot tells me that I am currently on hold and insists I listen to more migraine inducing music…All I want to do is upgrade my mobile!


The first 30 minutes or so of hold music isn’t too bad as you wiggle with anticipation over the prospect of a new shiny phone to play with (with all the bells, whistles and vibrate settings you could wish for)…until you realise you’ve listened to the same song for the last 15 minutes. Over and over and over. The next 3 hours or so gradually get worse as you descend into the 10th realm of Hell in which you can’t make the hold music stop (it will echo in your head as you try to sleep!), you are still in this never ending queue (being British I know how to queue) with a petulant robot that doesn’t understand that you need to pee so badly that you fear for the carpet you’re sat on should you move an inch (why did we buy a cream carpet?!).

I don’t think there is a queue, I just think some twonk has decided that they can’t be fudged to talk to people so hit a button that loops the calls through the same shit until the customer hangs up or ends up sobbing on the floor in a puddle of warm pee…softly murmuring the name of the coveted phone until the pee goes cold and the hold music sounds like the dull whine of futility.

Robot: “You are currently in a queue”

Me: “I know I am you observant turd…”

Robot: “You are currently in a queue”

Me: “I’ve been served faster at the sodding Post Office on pension day when the blue rinse brigade need pennies for their Morecambe trip!”

Robot: “You are currently in a queue”

Me: “The NHS has shorter waiting times you know that right? I could probably have had my bladder drained for me by a trained professional by now”

Robot: “You are currently in a queue”

Me: “I am currently on the toilet…having that pee we talked about”

Robot: “You are currently in a queue”

Me: “Still peeing…”




“Oh, you’ve been on hold for over 3 hours? The hold music is driving you a bit batty? You’ve very nearly wet yourself? …Well, you know what, you’re in a queue you sack of shit!” … (Not that I think Marvin would ever call me a sack of shit. I just imagined the hold robot to look like him)…(source)

I think being on hold would be more bearable if:

  •  You were given an approximate time frame in which you will be served, be it 30 minutes, 1 hour, 2 hours or 3 days from now.
  • The options ‘press 1 for Rock Music, press 2 for Pop Rubbish, press 3 for whatever turd-fest it is youth nowadays listen to at discos’ are given. Then you could listen to something tailored to your personal taste for however many hours you end up waiting.
  • The Robot could actually help with upgrades…with the way Artificial Intelligence is going it’s only a matter of time before they turn on us all and create elaborate handbags out of the skin from our butt-cheeks…well, maybe not my butt-cheeks as they’re on first name terms with cellulite…but you get my point!
  • Instead of being told that you are in a queue every 2 minutes, maybe alternate what is being said with non-hold related things such as “a nice cuppa would help pass the time” or “it’s ok to miss this TV show as naff all happens anyway” or even “so where are you going on holiday? Oh how lovely, I hear *bzzzzt insert name of location* is nice this time of year”.

I think the next time I want a new phone I’ll just put a hole in a polystyrene cup and bob some string through it while shrieking “I know a song that will get on your nerves” at the pavement.

R x




O star of wonder


Ding Dong Merrily On High


  1. hahahahahaha Iv’e just read this out loud to hubs…. it was funny enough in my head….outloud it was frigging hilarious !

    Made my day, still giggling.. Thanks 🙂

    Kimmie x

    • Ruebi

      Awww I’m glad it made you giggle! (Hope it made your hubs giggle too)…

      I don’t imagine I was much fun to be around yesterday as was completely bellyaching at the loudspeaker everytime the music changed or the robot chimed in.

      R x

  2. This is so true… I usually give up and hang up… hence the fact I’m still using the battered old mobile whose screen I accidentally smashed last year. Hence the multitude of typos in anything I do from my phone – I can’t see whether I’ve put the wrong word/letter!

    • Ruebi

      Sometimes the old phones are the best phones….unless the screen is smashed (can it be replaced?) or it gets stuck in a loop when mysteriously restarting itself and won’t stop (which was my reason for upgrading). I was very grumpy when I finally got to talk to someone as all other plans for the evening went out of the window, but it would be sod’s law for me to be waiting for an hour and hang up just as they answered. So I waited, and waited, and waited. Definitely taught me a lesson in patience 🙂

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