Alternative title: Spectacles, breasticles, wallet and watch …. oh wait no, that doesn’t work…ah well. Fudge it.


“How are your new glasses?” Mum asked.

“Well….I can now see everything very clearly…It’s like watching the HD channel, but all the time” I closed my right eye.

“That’s good isn’t it?” She chirped.

“No…not really…the world is a grubby place as it is, at least with my old glasses I only saw a blurred version of it” I reopened the right and closed the left (as you do).

“Stop being so melodramatic Ruebi”.

“I’m not…I don’t want to see dog turd in HD! Who wants that invading their retinas?!” Both eyes were now open…wide.

“Maybe don’t look at it then” She reasoned.

“It’s smeared all over the path…ignoring that could result in a slippage…which would result in landing in it…landing in it would mean smell-o-vision and a whole range of other unpleasant notions as well as turd HD”.

She just rolled her eyes…I took this as a sign of agreement.

You see, for a few weeks now, some dirty ignorant sod has been letting their dog take a dump outside of our  house, our neighbour’s house, and our neighbour’s neighbour’s house! The thing must squat it’s way past all three buildings while pinching one off. I know this is a horrible thought, but it’s not as horrible as skidding in it or finding it somehow pebble-dashing your garden gate.

Dog turd is a subject I rant about a lot (…no that isn’t weird at all!). As a dog owner I know it’s unpleasant to have to pick up steaming turds as your dog watches you with a “dude you really don’t want that” look. I understand how embarrassing it is to walk for miles with bags of doggie dumps in your hand because the last poop bin you came across was full (read as: overflowing to the extent people just ditched the bags in piles next to the red bins which meant Ruebi wrote some stern letters to the council…yes, I am that whinging git). I get it. I really do. But it’s about being responsible for your animal.

I have to deal with all that enough when the pup decides to roll in something decidedly smelly as though it was the latest “Eau De Bottled Bum Sweat” by whichever celebrity is touting their wares at the time. See now, “Eau De Squirrel Carcass” or “Foxy Balls by Fox” isn’t something that can be controlled, but “Eau De Rhodesian Ridgeback with epic Bowel issues” is. Buy some poop bags (or take some carrier bags – though obviously check them for holes otherwise it can get nasty…or if you have a huge mutt then use a sodding bin liner) and pick up your dog’s leavings.


“Here you go Pixie…here’s that house you like to dump outside of…don’t forget to hit the wall and gate while you’re at it…and oops, I’ve forgotten to pack poop bags again, silly me!” …(source)

I’m just glad that it’s no longer Summer as all those people traipsing down the street preoccupied by whatever dance ‘music’ their phone is blaring out may just splash right through it…in flip flops. We all know how infuriating sand between the toes is but this, this would be a whole different level of hell that even Dante would not want to experience…”Oh dear, my toes feel warm and squishy, I must be sweatin- ARGH!”.

That said…these Winter months won’t be any better as the rain water makes for a very unpleasant mix.

If I find out who is allowing their dog to poop outside my house I am going to grab the irresponsible git by the back of the head and rub their face in it while shouting “bad human! Very bad human!”

Or just take a dump on their doorstep after spending two days eating very spicy foods…either way.

R x