Alternative title: It’s an easy thing to bring horror into a room…
“So I found out what that rustling noise was the other night” M said as I closed my eyes.
“Yeah?” I mumble.
“Yeah – You know that bag with the paper in, the one next to the bed?” M swished a hand towards where it had been.
“…Yeah” I drag the duvet over my shoulder.
“Well, I figured out that the noise was coming from there…Turns out there was a massive spider in there! Like, the biggest spider I have ever seen in my life! It was huge!”
“Wha-” Suddenly I was wide eyed.
“Biggest. Spider. Ever – ”
“I think I’ve just been sick in my mouth”
” – I mean, I tipped the bag out into the bath and tried to wash it down the drain -”
” – but it wouldn’t wash away! It was that big a spider!”
“Why…Why are you still talking?” I tried to push the pillow into my ears.
“Size of my hand it was!” M looked at his outstretched hand then said “… Don’t worry though, I put it outside”
“It might have made a nest though…” He mused.
“Anyway, night night!” M said cheerily and clicked the switch for the lamp.
As the light went out and the room plunged into darkness I scanned my surroundings for any trace of the little bastards…I knew they were there, waiting for me to fall asleep. Waiting for my eyes to close so they could lay eggs in my ears and stick their long legs up my nose and rub their butts on my forehead (…Or something like that, who knows what goes through the minds of those evil creatures).
I’ve been an arachnophobic since the first time I ever saw a spider…my tiny little toddler brain was completely unable to comprehend the fact that the fuzzy dot scurrying up the wall was probably shitting itself worse than I was (I was in nappies back then so taking a dump while screaming bloody murder in the street probably wasn’t as frowned upon as it would be today if I still reacted like that as a 30 year old in a pair of boxers…what? Ladies can wear boxer shorts too!). Over the years I’ve managed to get to the stage where I can articulate the fact there is a spider in the vicinity (rather than garbled mumblings) and I no longer throw books in their general direction (I was a rubbish aim for the record) – I blame the fact someone once told me that spiders mate for life and I felt guilty for even considering ending the life of one spider while it’s other half waited for them to return to the web (yes I know how daft that sounds…But if I try and make them appear “cute” I’m less likely to have a total meltdown)…That said, I still can’t look at them without thinking “that evil git is going to eat my eyeballs”.
Anyway, the whole point to this post was to tell my other half that he is rubbish at telling bed-time stories and that next time might I recommend ‘The Call of Cthulhu‘…
PS – I’m on holiday next week! Woop woop! If you want to keep up with my travels I’ll be updating my Instagram (tinternet willing!) with as many pictures as I can…As with my Lake District adventures, I’ll be using #LHB_Travels to make it easier to keep up with my trip.