LHB Blog

A girl, a blog and a cactus named Pudding

Tag: grief (Page 1 of 4)

The Girl with the Pink Docs

Alternative title: “Song to Say Goodbye” is playing, it was the song that had gently filtered through the car speaker system the night we sped to hospital knowing my dad would be breathing his final breaths within hours.”Song to Say Goodbye” is playing, tears are hot on my face, mascara traces left behind, betraying them to the world. “Song to Say Goodbye” is playing … And my heart is in pieces. 

I would follow them around the world if I could …

Because they make me feel alive.

Read More

Anything, everything and nothing

**Not sure if this needs a trigger warning or not but I always like to throw one out here just in case**

Alternative title: I’m sorry I haven’t been here much … I’ve been a little unwell … In fact, I’ve been a rather muddled mess! 

It’s been a while since I last posted on here; I hadn’t forgotten my little place on the internet or the words I have poured into it, I didn’t want to leave it neglected and to disappear into the ether, but I also didn’t feel like I could be here either … Recently my Anxiety, Depression, OCD, OCPD and Grief have all been taking turns to squish my insides, they’ve turned my thoughts into poison, my brain into a traitor and left me distraught at the prospect of another day walking with one or more of those demons clawing at me.

I needed the time out from here to heal up a bit.

I needed the time out from here to focus on what I needed.

I needed the time out from here to ask for help.

Read More

Upon turning 32

**Sorry this post is rather late – I didn’t have the emotional energy to post it when it was first written**

Alternative title : I wanted to be happy, I really wanted to be happy … After all, birthdays come with presents and cards and cake and love and hugs and all those wonderful unicorn fart-esque moments. I tried to be happy, I really did try … But I couldn’t … Because you weren’t there to say “happy birthday flower”, because you were no longer part of the signature on my “happy birthday daughter” card … Because you weren’t here. 

I wanted everyone to forget the date, I wanted Facebook to bog-off with it’s little celebration (in fact I might tell it to permanently bog off once I’ve written this post), I didn’t want cake or flowers or cards, I wanted an unremarkable day. I can’t say that I wanted a day like any other because I spend each day attempting to navigate around the dull ache that I now recognise as your absence.

I just didn’t want reminding that this was my first birthday without my dad …

Read More

Father’s Day … Without You!

Alternative title : Father’s Day … I just can’t seem to avoid it! 

Today is Father’s Day here in the UK … The television has been throwing up as many advertisements as it can about beers and BBQ equipment and various other things they feel that dad’s should be unwrapping (no matter how awkward a wrapping session the object may be for the buyer of said gift – BBQ tongs anyone?), the Radio is a constant whittering hum of “and how are you going to celebrate?” to prompt the listeners to call in and regale us all in between some quite horrific “Summer tunes”, every shop is plastered with cards upon cards upon cards and even my colleagues have been enlightening me on how they are going to spend the weekend treating their dad’s to all manner of food and adventure (and in most cases alcoholic beverages of the whiskey kind!).

While over here in LHB HQ I feel as though I should have a massive neon sign above my head that says “please don’t ask me about Father’s Day” and a red button on my TV remote to opt out of these adverts … The Radio I will gladly put on hiatus for now (and may do for the remainder of the Summer). As for supermarkets, well, short of growing my own food in a short space of time I could hardly avoid them.

Read More

Page 1 of 4

Powered by WordPress & Theme by Anders Norén