LHB Blog

A girl, a blog and a cactus named Pudding

Tag: lurgy

Blueberry and Ginger Smoothie

Alternative title: Some utter git has infected me with the lurgy bug…I have my suspicions as to the identity of this Typhoid Mary and needless to say she won’t be impressed to find the background picture on her desktop changed to a close up photo of a cat’s butt-hole!


“I’m dying…” my brain mumbled through the fog.

“No you’re not, it’s a sniffle…” I mutter back, rubbing my nose.

“A death sniffle…” it bellowed, adamant.

“Pretty sure it’s just a little sniffle” I bellow back, checking the sleeve of my hoody for snot.

“That your professional diagnosis is it? Well where’s your bloody medical degree huh? I know a death sniffle when I…well…sniffle it, Dr. Smart-arse!”

My brain is such a drama queen.

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Shut your face!

Alternative title: I met God’s gift to women and boy was I disappointed…


“Oi luv, you could have at least made an effort! Could have put some make up on and brushed your hair…ugly bitch” the guy sniggered as he pushed past me.

As you can imagine, I didn’t take that statement (or the shove) well.

“Oh, I’m sorry if my face offends you…I didn’t realise I had to seek approval from the local turd for brains before leaving the house”

“…Well, I was just sayi-”

“As for ‘effort’, I’m afraid that’s all concentrated on ensuring that 1. I don’t hurk bile into my snood because not only does that burn all the way from the stomach up, especially when comes out of the nose, but it’s also not a nice colour to stain fabric and 2. I’m concerned that should I yawn or sneeze with too much ‘effort’ I may take a dump in my pants which considering how light my trousers are would be an epic error in judgement…”

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