LHB Blog

A girl, a blog and a cactus named Pudding

Tag: OCD (Page 2 of 3)

Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder

Alternative title: Otherwise known as Anankastic Personality Disorder … Rolls right off the tongue that doesn’t it? 

Back in early February I mentioned the meeting I had with my Psych Doc in which he cheerfully informed me that as well as having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) I also have Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD). They sound the same, but believe me when I say they’re not … They are two distinct disorders that in some instances can have co-morbid relationships.

Totally not one to do things by halves me!

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Clomipramine and Me

Alternative title: Listen to your body!

As I mentioned last week there has been a switch around with regards to my medication following my recent diagnosis of Anankastic Personality Disorder (also known as Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder – OCPD) and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I came off Mirtazapine without issue (except for not being able to sleep properly) and promptly started the Clomipramine.

Four days later I called my Psych Doc’s office in tears – the pressure in my head was intense, pain surging throughout my skull attacking whatever it came into contact with. I felt sick, I was sick. I stopped eating, I couldn’t manage even a glass of water. I had uncontrollable tremors. A jaw aching from being clenched, a grinding of teeth. I felt dizzy. I couldn’t sleep … And my Anxiety was kicking me when I was down with a heavy chest, prickly arms and the unrelenting feelings of panic and dread.

Something was wrong.

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Introducing the Psychiatry Doctor

Alternative title: My Mental Health has thrown me down shit creek (again) without a paddle, or boat … Or even a sodding life jacket! My brain has kicked and screamed and bellyached at every opportunity (over the slightest of things) … And yet to many, I seem completely in control.

One of the few that does know that I’m suffering, is my new Psych Doc (Dr. C) as during our first meeting I was in floods of tears because my brain was telling me that I needed to check the handbrake on the car (for the 10th … 11th … 12th time!) and that by being in the waiting room I was being negligent and that someone would get hurt (they might even die!) and it would be all my fault … I’d already been back to my car twice and ready to dash for a third time when my name was called.

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OCD 1,2,3

**Ok folks – I’m talking OCD (obviously), body image, a tiny bit about self harm and A LOT about checking … This is your heads up warning!**

Alternative title: My fingers are numb, rain and hail are bouncing off my face mixing with the tears, I’m sobbing … I’m counting … I can’t seem to stop, because it doesn’t feel safe. Because it isn’t safe. Because I can’t feel my fingers the ritual feels broken … I’m hunched over the drivers side door, yanking at the handle … Over and over and over. 

It’s assumed that when you crack the ritual once, that you have cracked the OCD cycle, but it isn’t true. Some days go by without checking being at the forefront of your mind, other days you spiral and find yourself back in that all-consuming place … Stuck in a loop. The need to complete the ritual overriding everything else and panic floods your system with each ritual that fails to complete.

Lost to a cycle of broken rituals.

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