Alternative title: “Song to Say Goodbye” is playing, it was the song that had gently filtered through the car speaker system the night we sped to hospital knowing my dad would be breathing his final breaths within hours.”Song to Say Goodbye” is playing, tears are hot on my face, mascara traces left behind, betraying them to the world. “Song to Say Goodbye” is playing … And my heart is in pieces.
I would follow them around the world if I could …
Because they make me feel alive.
I’ve entered the 10th month of my life without my dad, and it feels as though everything still remains in tatters … Very much like how the ground now finds itself scattered with the debris of dead leaves. There are reminders everywhere of what (and who) has lived a life that has now extinguished. There is no doubt that grief has played a huge part in the deterioration of my Mental Health (if you have missed me here at LHB HQ I’m afraid this is the reason for my absence) … Depression, Anxiety, OCD, OCPD … Take your pick, at some point over the last few months they have all royally kicked my arse at one stage or another (my “I’m back!” post can be found here).
My (rather slow) return to LHB HQ has come at a time in which I am now back in therapy (we’re trying an online Cognitive Behavioural Therapy program … Sounds pretty weird but hey ho! Will give it a jolly good go) and am ready to talk … But I feel that is probably a post for another day … If anyone is curious as to how my online therapy is going?
For this post is for the band that gives me a lifeline to the most important man that will ever have been in my life, for the band that repeatedly reminds me that it’s ok to be exactly who you are (as that is exactly who you are meant to be), for the band that has (and will probably continue to) save me …
The tickets were a rather (read as: epically) late and totally unexpected (given he’s forgotten every time before this) birthday gift from my brother … As I’ve mentioned in previous posts I was introduced to Placebo’s music at the age of 11 by my dad with an “ere Rue, you have to listen to this!” … 20 years (and counting) later and I’m still listening to them with all the awe and adoration I did when I first heard them … But now those feelings are mixed with something bittersweet too … The memories of my dad singing along … And the knowledge that he is now gone.
My feet ached in the bright pink Dr. Martens boots that I’m still trying to break in, raising hands to the architecturally beautiful (or ornate as M would say) roof of the Manchester Albert Hall, shoulder to shoulder (or rather, being 5’2″, shoulder to ribs) with strangers, overwhelmed with loss … Singing through sobs. Singing through pain. Each word dancing upon synapses triggering waves of emotion, a chorus of souls each attributing their own meaning to the song, voices in unison.
I knew walking into the venue that at some point I was going to crack, that emotionally I’m still raw … But the advantage to being in the “mosh pit” is that you can scream and shout and howl and cry and it’s ok (not that I need a “mosh pit” or the nearest Ladies room or a trip to Matalan for a good bawling session, oh no, I cry whenever and wherever nowadays … Oh aye, even if it’s right next to them big tubs of cabbages in the local supermarket I will be sobbing my eyes out for no real reason other than being pretty darned sad. It’s like my freaking superpower!). But you see the advantage to a “mosh pit” is that it’s dark, it’s loud, it’s crammed full of people bouncing around who don’t see you because they are so transfixed on the stage.
Music has this wonderful ability to consume you, to evoke deep emotions within you, to awaken your soul and to stir memories … To spend time with lost parts of yourself … And even with those now lost to you.
So folks – which band would you follow round the world if you could? Or is there a band you already do this for?
Peace and love
PS – I’ve been finding Twitter to be a bit of a negativity zone again so if you follow me on there I’m sorry I’ve been on the quiet side! You can still catch up with my adventures away from LHB HQ across at my Instagram though (and there have been quite a few more adventures in the Lake District National Park – Can we say 2 more Wainwrights?! Which takes our LHB HQ total to 3 … Only another 211 to go … Sigh … I think Kendal Mint Cake is in order).
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