Alternative title: In which scribbling rude doodles all over my notepad seems the best idea…
“We can’t do this” my brain mutters.
“We can do this…” I mutter back.
“We really can’t do this” my brain murmurs.
“We really can do this…” I murmur back.
“We really really – ”
“Get your mushy ass out of the car this minute!”
This is a battle I have with my noggin some mornings before work, sometimes it’s a conversation we have while forcing myself to go food shopping, more than once it’s been a follow-up with the GP… we sit in the car-park as my brain panics…My body agreeing with everything it says, telling me we need to run, that something is wrong. That maybe we should just drive back home to check that we definitely turned off the straighteners and while there we could clamber back into bed and pretend that it isn’t actually 8:30am yet.
It’s been strange adapting to things…Be it dealing with the side-effects of medication (I’m stabilized enough not to be physically sick anymore – that was all kinds of fun! But recently my meds have been increased again) or being awake most of the night playing a wonderful game of “did you remember to lock the front door?” with my brain (despite already having checked the door multiple times) or dealing with angry shouty people (with a job one step up from Customer Services this happens a lot) or something as simple as worrying over whether you remembered to wear trousers that day (oh aye, I’ve had to check I’m not still wearing my kitty pajamas many a time…Kitty pajamas are cool damnit!).
One of the strangest things I’m having to adapt to…Is admitting to people how I’m really feeling. If I’m having a bad day I’m learning to say “you know what, I actually feel pretty bloody awful” rather than “oh-I’m-totally-fine-can’t-you-tell-by-my-grin?!” And if I’m having a good day folks may even get a rendition of “Bringing Sexy Back” while I throw pictures of unicorns farting rainbows at them…Ok so that’s not true, I don’t sing at people as I’m tone deaf…But the unicorn fart doodles are true! They’re also incredibly unappreciated! Honestly, I have a GCSE in ART dontcha know!
I’ve always been a little closed off when it comes to emotions…I’ve hidden them, I’ve masked over them. I’ve pretended everything has been absolutely fine when inside it hasn’t. I’ve always been “the worrier”, the one who takes everything to heart…Deflecting the positive words and absorbing the negatives. I’m finding it quite freeing to just listen to my body, how it’s feeling…How I’m feeling…Without being ashamed. I don’t have to force myself to be strong, I don’t have to apologise for feeling terrified…I can laugh without restraint, I can love without question…I’ve started to draw again, to knit, to cross-stitch, letter writing (actual snail-mail!), writing a diary, trying to paint – and I actually enjoy the process of each creative act.
I’m learning what it is to just be me.
My diagnosis has been a complex issue for many reasons…For me, I don’t know how long I’ve been like this. For others, it raises the question of who I’ll be as I progress through the treatment.
For now…It’s all a learning curve…
I also want to say a huge thank you for all the support you lovely lot have sent me about my Anxiety and Depression post…It was cathartic to write but terrifying at the same time.
You guys and gals are all kinds of amazing!