Alternative title: It’s as cold as a witch’s tit here in Lancashire…This means one thing…Ladies, it’s time to grow out the leg hair!
“You can’t just stop shaving!” my friend said, horrified.
“You say that as though I’ll turn into Cousin Itt overnight”.
“Ruebi, you have to shave…”
“Says who? Besides, I promise to trim everything when it gets to the point that I can plait my pubic and leg hair together”.
“It’ll save me a fortune on razors and thermal undercrackers”.
It’s cold outside, which is to be expected as it’s early December…What isn’t expected is going to scrape the ice off the car to find that some clever dick has doodled a massive dong on the frosted windscreen. I swear that I was observing the road through a pair of testicles for the remainder of the day. Still, it’s a vast improvement on the time some drunk saw fit to vomit their intake of alcohol and takeaway down the drivers side…The less said about that the better I can assure you.
I’m also realising that by wearing shoes with a heel that I am in effect signing my own death warrant given that I nearly fell ass over tit in the works car park, I’ll bet the Grim Reaper got a right laugh watching me flailing around like a right twonk, tampons falling out of the pockets of my handbag…closely followed by a banana. I’ve since decided to swap those heels for some nice flat shoes, granted the flat shoes are a funny shade of yellow and have little spikes on them, but I’m less likely to fall flat on my face and break my nose. Famous last words?
But I think what bothers me the most about Winter, is the fact I spend the majority of the day with toes so cold they may have fallen off and I wouldn’t even know it. Just rattling around in my socks. You see, a symptom of Hypothyroidism is cold intolerance. I may look odd traipsing into work dressed as though I’m heading out on some Arctic expedition, but I don’t really care…regardless of other people telling me that it’s a ‘mild’ Winter, my body is telling me that we’re freezing and likely to be found curled up in a ball under the desk hallucinating about polar bears stealing my socks. I’m not sure why they would take my socks and I certainly don’t want to ask.
I know the temperatures are going to continue to drop for a while longer, I will wake more in the night because I’m cold despite two duvets, when I do sleep I will probably dream of thermal underpants, in the morning I will lose the feeling in my fingers moments after leaving the house to scrape the frosty car…It will take hours for the tingling to subside. The weather people say we are expecting snow at the weekend (I always take what they say with a pinch of salt though, if they say it’s going to be a heatwave you can guarantee that we’ll get rain – we always get rain), part of me hopes the snow (actual crunchy snow) arrives and provides a beautiful blanket over the ground…Part of me hopes it doesn’t, just so I don’t need to panic about finding waterproof shoes (especially as the only waterproof shoes I own are a pair of animal print wellies, wouldn’t look so professional at work in those bad boys would I?).
Do any of you have snow yet?
Oh, I’m away on holiday next week…there will be pics on Instagram of my travels and hopefully scheduled posts for the usual update days.