Alternative title: One day you’re in a crowded yoga class happily resting your shoulder under your knee with the other leg outstretched as you focus on not face planting. The next day you want to run as far as you can from the office without your legs collapsing all because the phone rang. No two days are ever the same when Anxiety is your co-pilot and Depression is the tea lady…
As I write this there is a lull in the Anxiety and Depression, the calm before the inevitable storm … They have had their claws into my brain since early afternoon and as such I feel exhausted.
It’s a strange thing as yesterday I felt as though I was turning a corner, I attended my double yoga class (my first since slamming a car door on my finger) after a hectic day at work and managed to just be in the moment. Focusing solely on the asanas, the variations of Virabhadrasana (I underestimated one of these on my last attempt and injured a ligament in my foot – can we say clumsy? Naive?), the back-bend in Bhujangasana (which has improved since I started Pole Dancing … I’m thinking Gemini pose has a lot to do with this), the body tremble inducing Chaturanga Dandasana (it’s like plank pose … but EXTREME! … I may have blubbed a little, or got sweat in my eyes, one of the two). Body and mind in sync as we approached each move, considered each breath, assessed each limb …
For those three hours (yes three hours!) I was free. I was on a yoga high … A high that left me in awe at my body’s capabilities, a high that showed me that there isn’t always an internal conflict, a high that enabled me to have a much needed sleep (unbroken, deep, nightmare free).
By comparison today my body has been controlled by an Anxiety ridden brain, it managed to chain itself to the Captain’s chair and repeatedly yell “Warp Speed” at my legs … My legs however, felt rather like jelly and the mere prospect of walking (let alone anything faster than a light “not quite jog but not quite walk”) gave them cold shivers.
Anyone else sense mutiny? Especially given that Depression is a sneaky git, it has been waiting in the wings, just biding it’s time, poised ready for the perfect moment in which it could tip Anxiety out of the chair and squeal “VICTORY! – now to the blanket fort”.
I’ve been wondering what could have caused this wobbler – could I have forgotten my medication? Could it be because Mother Nature has taken to giving my ovaries a kick this week? Could it be residual stress from the loss of my pet last Monday? Or could it just be a bad day?
Whatever the cause, I miss the body and mind being in sync.
Sigh – A tale of two days.
To those having a bad day … Here’s a massive, squidgy cuddle! We can get through this!
PS – Shout out to my fellow Spoonie Nicole too for reminding me that I’m not alone, thank you sweetie! x