LHB Blog

A girl, a blog and a cactus named Pudding

Trying to take control

Alternative title: One day you’re in a crowded yoga class happily resting your shoulder under your knee with the other leg outstretched as you focus on not face planting. The next day you want to run as far as you can from the office without your legs collapsing all because the phone rang. No two days are ever the same when Anxiety is your co-pilot and Depression is the tea lady… 

As I write this there is a lull in the Anxiety and Depression, the calm before the inevitable storm … They have had their claws into my brain since early afternoon and as such I feel exhausted.

It’s a strange thing as yesterday I felt as though I was turning a corner, I attended my double yoga class (my first since slamming a car door on my finger) after a hectic day at work and managed to just be in the moment. Focusing solely on the asanas, the variations of Virabhadrasana (I underestimated one of these on my last attempt and injured a ligament in my foot – can we say clumsy? Naive?), the back-bend in Bhujangasana (which has improved since I started Pole Dancing … I’m thinking Gemini pose has a lot to do with this), the body tremble inducing Chaturanga Dandasana (it’s like plank pose … but EXTREME! … I may have blubbed a little, or got sweat in my eyes, one of the two). Body and mind in sync as we approached each move, considered each breath, assessed each limb …

For those three hours (yes three hours!) I was free. I was on a yoga high … A high that left me in awe at my body’s capabilities, a high that showed me that there isn’t always an internal conflict, a high that enabled me to have a much needed sleep (unbroken, deep, nightmare free).

By comparison today my body has been controlled by an Anxiety ridden brain, it managed to chain itself to the Captain’s chair and repeatedly yell “Warp Speed” at my legs … My legs however, felt rather like jelly and the mere prospect of walking (let alone anything faster than a light “not quite jog but not quite walk”) gave them cold shivers.

Anyone else sense mutiny? Especially given that Depression is a sneaky git, it has been waiting in the wings, just biding it’s time, poised ready for the perfect moment in which it could tip Anxiety out of the chair and squeal “VICTORY! – now to the blanket fort”.

I’ve been wondering what could have caused this wobbler – could I have forgotten my medication? Could it be because Mother Nature has taken to giving my ovaries a kick this week? Could it be residual stress from the loss of my pet last Monday? Or could it just be a bad day?

Whatever the cause, I miss the body and mind being in sync.

 

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I keep having to remind myself to have patience, kindness and compassion … Not just for other people, but for myself too … (This pic is from inside a Christmas tree! Quirky huh? I am about on Instagram if you want to keep up with my mini-adventures on there too).

 

Sigh – A tale of two days.

To those having a bad day … Here’s a massive, squidgy cuddle! We can get through this!

R x

PS – Shout out to my fellow Spoonie Nicole too for reminding me that I’m not alone, thank you sweetie! x

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8 Comments

  1. You have no idea how much of a sap I am *crying* Your just amazing ❤ I’m not sure I can contain ny love you today. This is exactly what I needed, thank you so much sweet heart. Stay strong, their claws are strong but temporary xxx

    • Ruebi

      Awww thank you sweetie! ((hugs)) Today their claws appear to have been clipped, so it’s been a good day! (I may even have belted out a very crap version of Adele – “Hello” while walking the pup…I hope no one recorded that!) xxx

  2. Life is such a rollercoaster isn’t it. Focus on the highs, being FREE for THREE hours, that’s incredible and learn from lows. I’m a new sufferer of anxiety, I seem to have acquired this co-pilot after giving birth to my first child. It’s been so very helpful learning how others deal with it, including things like yoga etc.

    Stay strong. x

    • Ruebi

      Hi Kirsty,

      Thank you for dropping by!

      I completely agree, life is a rollercoaster. I was diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression about 3 mths ago so I’m relatively new to the treatment side of things, I really don’t know how long I’ve suffered with it though (I appear to have a complex mix of coping strategies in place that are being addressed as part of the healing process).

      It’s still a learning curve for me.

      Stay strong too ((hugs)) x

  3. It is a such a strange thing how moods can change so quickly – and sometimes for no apparent reason. I know that feeling so well! Thank you for linking to #PoCoLo x

    • Ruebi

      It is very strange … You think you’ve managed to get control and everything is falling into place, then you wake up the next day to all hell breaking loose inside the brain and body and you’re stuck thinking “what the heck happened while I was sleeping?!” It’s peculiar.

  4. Wow! Three hours of yoga?! You rock! I can totally relate to two days being completely different. It’s frustrating, to say the least. But it’s refreshing to see you keep a sense of humor.

    I really enjoy your writing style. This is my first visit to your blog. I made it here by way of the Weekend Blog Share linky. So glad I found your blog =-)
    – Krista

    • Ruebi

      Hi Krista! Welcome to my little piece of the internet! 🙂

      3 hours of yoga can sound a little … Excessive. But I feel all out of sync if I don’t stick with that part of my routine. I am about to introduce another class into my schedule (only 1.5hr this time though) with a different instructor so that should be interesting. Quite terrified by the idea but I’m sure when I get into the first asana I’ll be fine! No doubt there will be blog posts about my mishaps in the future from those session!

      R x

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