LHB Blog

A girl, a blog and a cactus named Pudding

Where is my mind?

Alternative title: It’s probably farting about in a field somewhere pretending it is The Incredible Sulk or something …Β 

I’m back at my PWP’s office and she’s shaking her head at my latest assessment scores, concern etched into her features, both my Anxiety and Depression levels appear to have doubled since our last meeting (I didn’t need a piece of paper to tell me that). I watch a bobble on the carpet, I focus on it, as though it’d disappear under my glare if I stared intently enough …

“What happened?” She asks.

“I don’t know …” I utter, eyes still on the bobble “I genuinely don’t know”.

I can’t always explain why it happens, why a dark fog just envelopes my whole being and slowly starts to smother me, why my thoughts turn against me, why I can’t just “put my face straight”.

I wish I could, dear gods I wish I could … I wish I could identify what the trigger was (though I doubt it was just one thing), I wish there was a way in which I could just click my fingers and switch off the Depression / Anxiety, I wish I could manage it better than I can at the moment, I wish but wishes don’t always come true (not without effort at least).

In the meantime I’d settle for a mute button for all those currently telling me that I have a “face like a slapped arse and if the wind changes it’ll stay like that so I’d better put it right”. Quite frankly if I want to use my resting bitch face all day everyday then I’m going to do so …

And if I look like I’m lost then chances are I feel lost too.

Eventually I will learn what the triggers are … Whether it be a major life event or a minor blip that snowballs into the size of Hellvelyn! Eventually I will learn ways in which to manage my disorders better …

Eventually.

 

image

For once the waiting room was ALL mine! So I could fuss and fidget to my heart’s (brain’s) content …

 

Now if you’ll excuse me lovelies, I’m carrying a bit of lurgy at the minute too so I’m going to cuddle up in a duvet to watch “Galaxy Quest” and remember the time I made Alan Rickman smile a little by saying “dude, I think you are amazing” in my dulcet Northern tones … Amazing is an understatement! I can’t actually express in words what Alan Rickman meant to me, and I’m sure any attempt I make would pale into comparison to the real thing. All I can say is my heart is broken.

R x

PS – Because of my love of the Molko (so much freaking love of the Molko!) here is the Placebo cover version of The Pixies “Where is my mind?”

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10 Comments

  1. Tough week by the sound of it. Though I already knew that from our convo on Twitter, this explains in more detail. I’m sorry you’re struggling Roo, I get it, relate to it.
    Just so you know, I’m around (ish, ATM, but never away for too long) if ever you need to talk. DM if you need an ear, I may not pick up straight away but I will pick up.

    I hope this week is kinder to you. Kimmie x

    • Ruebi

      Very tough week … Thank you so much for just being there! I can’t put into words how amazing you are as part of my support network and how much I appreciate it! You’re awesome Kimmie, don’t forget that! ((hugs)) xxx

  2. This is me too hun. I can totally relate. It bloody sucks doesn’t it?! I’m going to email you a piece I wrote that I may or may not post soon… It’ll make you feel less alone XX Much love. You have happymail on the way! X

    • Ruebi

      It does bloody suck! I think the worst part is not knowing the trigger for it … The fact it just happens at any moment for no apparent reason is so utterly frustrating! I have your email, I promise I’ll read it πŸ™‚ And thank you for the happymail! It arrived safe and sound and is awesome! x

  3. I hope you get to the bottom of your triggers. When I worked in bars, I found it was quite entertaining to respond to the ‘cheer up, love, it might never happen’ and ‘smile, love’ comments very literally. By smiling at them. Constantly. Manically. Until they became uncomfortable & conceded that anyone just standing around smiling would actually be a little odd. & also I love Alan Rickman (so sad) & Brian Molko too! #PoCoLo

    • Ruebi

      Work have learned that saying “smile, it might never happen” results in me going “well … I’m here … So it must have bloody happened!” while scowling over my monitor. Looks like we have the same mindset on this πŸ˜€ … x

  4. Catstello

    These alternative titles are killing me, gurl! :’)

    • Ruebi

      Hehehe, I’m glad you like that! – Gotta add a bit of humour to the posts somehow! πŸ™‚ x

  5. Sounds like it’s been a tough week, and I’m sure that you will work out what the triggers are – but doing that will be tough. I do like the sound of that mute button though, it could come in super useful. Take care of yourself and thanks for linking up to #PoCoLo x

    • Ruebi

      I’m working on negative thought and trigger identification during my therapy sessions which is proving useful … Though I have OCD and trying to break those rituals are definitely spiking the Anxiety (therapy as a trigger! Lol). And yeah, I would LOVE that mute button! Or earplugs that actually work πŸ˜€ x

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