LHB Blog

A girl, a blog and a cactus named Pudding

Yoga Definitely!

Alternative title: I’m on the balls of my feet, my arms are shaking, my face is red, my butt is in the air and I’m trying not to fart…because let’s face it, trusting a fart in Downward-Facing dog when your guts feel knotted is probably not the wisest ofΒ  choices…Especially now you’re on a mostly fruit and veggie based diet.

 

“You utter pillock” my brain mumbles as we move into Bhujangasana.

“Shush I’m concentrating…” I mutter, thinking of my breathing. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

“Concentrating? On what?! Clenching your butt cheeks together so you don’t guff isn’t part of this game you know…In the words of Frozenlet it go‘…and if you shart we can leave early and do what we do best…Namely whinging about that belly podge while shoving your face into a tub of triple chocolate ice-cream”.

My brain is so supportive. Turd-bag.

Sharting to get out of Yoga was not an option…Not because I suddenly felt all zen with one foot in the air and the other squished right under my backside, oh no, but because I’d told everyone who would bloody listen that I was going to attend (and finish) this class. There was no way I was going to be explaining to people the very next day that I didn’t manage the whole hour and a half because I’d pooped in my pants. It just wasn’t going to happen.

What did happen though…Was that I got smashed in the mush with the glaring reality of me missing a few months of classes; the simplest of moves made my muscles tremble, my breathing technique was all out of whack and balancing?…Shit. The. Bed. Trying any of the poses that relied heavily on balance resulted in me getting a gob full of my trusty yoga mat.

I’m lucky that my instructor picked me up every time I fell.

I’m very lucky that the lass on the mat next to me was just as clumsy as I am…There would invariably be an “oh holy balls” as one or both of us toppled out of a move, followed by a quick “we got this shit!” re-group. We totally didn’t get that shit as the next move would be like history repeating itself.

yoga-poses-back-02

Basically one of probably three poses that didn’t leave me in a heap next to the mat after somehow managing to punch myself in the face…this one just allowed me to face-plant straight onto the mat when my arms gave out…Stupid arms (source)

The meditation exercise left me teetering on the edge of sleep…inhale, exhale, focus on your fingers, focus on your thumbs, inhale, exhale, rinse, repeat. Limbs that had protested their way through the poses were now relaxing, unwinding, threatening me with cramp should I dare to wake them. But wake them I did. I think the owner’s of the community centre would be very annoyed to open the building in the morning to find me snoring and drooling away…And probably smelling terribly of body odour by that point given the amount of sweat I’d produced just battling to stay balanced on one leg.

It would be a rude awakening for all concerned as I imagine it would be go along the lines of “which utter moron left this sweaty sod in here, the whole place stinks of pit stains and butt! Get the Febreze, no don’t open the windows as it’s minus goodness knows what, just get the damned air freshener…And throw this smelly git into the carpark!”

Ah well…Class is scheduled for the same time next week…Provided I’ve recovered!

So folks, how do you stay motivated after a disastrous workout?

R x

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14 Comments

  1. Brilliantly funny post as always Miss Ruebi πŸ˜€ X

  2. I’m worn out just reading this! …. Does raising my arms high enough to brush my hair count as exercise….please say yes πŸ™‚

    Fabulously funny, as always R x

    • Ruebi

      Oh it totally is exercise! The day after Yoga class my arms ached so much that I didn’t bother brushing my hair for work…Which considering my hair goes into ultimate frizz mode whenever it damn well pleases I ended up sat at my desk looking like I’d spent the morning on a roller-coaster (just without the awesome adrenaline rush).

      R x

  3. I am in yoga teacher training right now (this weekend, in fact), and I adore this post. I adore it because it’s honest and it’s why so many people struggle in yoga. We see all of these gorgeous, smiling yogis on Instagram contorted into bendy shapes, and then get to our mat and can barely cross our legs and sit up straight. And in class, when the teacher talks about hugging muscles to bone and pulling your feet energetically into your hip sockets and everyone is nodding like it’s some cosmic instruction? I am still trying to figure out what that means.

    So, good on you for getting back to (and staying on) your mat. It’s a struggle for me, too.

    Found you on the SITS girls Sharefest. πŸ™‚

    • Ruebi

      My point exactly! I’ve come across so many posts on blogs and Instagram of happy Yogis as they twist themselves into unbelievable shapes but not found any that say “you know what, Yoga is bloody difficult, you will sweat and hurt and you will wonder just what the hell you are doing trying to put your foot behind your head”…I enjoy Yoga because it challenges me, but at the same time I don’t feel enlightened the moment my feet touch the mat.

      How are you finding the yoga teacher training?

      • Yoga teacher training has been amazing. I am not necessarily going to teach, but as far as learning more about yoga and myself and why things are the way they are, plus building community with the rest of the teachers, has been incredible. Very rewarding for me. And one of the bonuses is that I am learning to be much nicer to myself, on and off the mat, and not worry so much about those bendy, impossible yogis. It’s definitely a work in progress, but I can feel progress. πŸ™‚

        • Ruebi

          I think that is the main thing about Yoga that I love…The way it teaches us about how we perceive ourselves. It tells us to respect our bodies, that more often than not the negative stimuli in life is fleeting…That we are strong, powerful creatures, mentally and physically πŸ™‚

  4. Rebecca Ellis

    This post had me in stitches!

    I’m horrible at Yoga and it makes me sleepy between each move, I’d much rather be in something active than sticking limbs here and there, whilst listening to the voice of my instructor (Try Yoga they said, it’ll be fun they said) haha x

    http://www.sheintheknow.co.uk

    • Ruebi

      I initially tried Yoga because it was recommended by my GP as a way of dealing with Anxiety – it does deal with the Anxiety while I’m in the class because I’m focusing so much on not smashing my face off a flailing limb to notice anything else.

      I am thinking of going back to running too…I miss that! I figure a combination of the two would be a nice balance for me πŸ™‚

  5. This is hilarious! Anyone (ok maybe just me) who’s done yoga can totally relate to that feeling during downward dog. πŸ™‚ The only motivation after a workout such as that is….Well that could have gone much worse, at least I know they’ll let me back in next class. πŸ™‚

    • Ruebi

      Oh thank goodness it’s not just me saying “just don’t fart! Just don’t fart! Just don’t fart!” through that move…I think the moment I fart during a class is the moment I know I can’t return. And I would probably need to move out of town too.

  6. Oh I was wondering is Shart had made its way to the UK……. one of the oldest friends is named Schardt…. Yep Shart…… Every time her mum yelled her name at a track meet I nearly died, one meet in I went up to her, introduced myself and then told her what it meant. We yell her daughters first name ONLY now… My yoga is going well, how about you? Did you see that Avocado recipe with bacon??? Mmmmmm.

    • Ruebi

      My yoga is…well…going. So I think that’s progress, right?! (I have been attending my Monday classes despite my bitching from Sunday morning until then about how much I’d rather be sleeping).

      And what is this avocado and bacon recipe you speak of?!

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