Alternative title: Don’t make me hangry…you wouldn’t like me when I’m hangry…Ok I’m bloody hangry, pass me a chocolate bar and kindly bog off!
The room is quiet except for the tap-tap-tap of the keyboards, the occasional tinny drone of a telephone and the raging yowls of twenty hungry stomachs all baying in unison for a decent meal. My stomach is no exception, in fact it’s probably grumbling the loudest…and I’m all out of carrot sticks.
“Which finger first?” my brain asks.
“What do you mean which finger first?” I mumble into my headset (thankful that no one is on the line).
“Which finger shall we eat first? Because quite honestly one nibble of your left pinky finger may result in you losing a full arm…right up to the shoulder…ummmm, arm”
I think my brain has a problem with this healthy eating lark.
When faced with a bowl of porridge this morning my brain exclaimed “we are not eating something that looks like baby turd”, needless to say the porridge was mostly left to go cold as I nursed a decaf tea. The drive to work was awkward with my noggin kindly reminding me what an utter dip-stick I am for choosing carrot sticks and an apple over a packet of crisps. The worst part though, was the walk to my desk…You see, I stopped to get a green tea and a glass of water.
Big mistake when you’re hungry.
Big mistake when you’re angry.
Very big mistake when you’re hangry.
“Which clever dick put a water cooler between the coffee vending machine, and the vending machine full of chocolate?” I huffed as I scowled at the giant cookie making eyes at me.
“I don’t think it was inten-” my brain started, trying to be reasonable (for a bloody change).
“It’s like getting judged by both sides. I would happily eat my own face for a sniff of vending machine coffee, I probably wouldn’t be as hungry then either…And gods only know the noises I would make after one lick of that cookie” there is water escaping the glass, it’s drenched the sleeve of my cardigan and is making a pool on the carpet. People are beginning to stare.
“I’m starting to regret not eating the baby turd now” if only brains could face-palm.
“And you can bog off as well!” I jabbed my finger at the offending bakewell tart.
“…Yep, should have just eaten the porridge”
It isn’t that I’m not eating enough because I am eating far more than I used to. I’m snacking all day on fresh fruit and vegetables, lunch is soup (homemade of course) and with me already cutting down on the caffeine (I’m down to one coffee a day with no cravings) I’m finding myself drinking more water. I am letting myself down with breakfast (but I will get there with that issue) and I am refusing to deny myself sweet things to an extent (a couple of chocolates is fine…shoving a whole tub of Haribo in my mush isn’t…Yes I’ve done this before and nearly choked on a gummy bear…They may look cute and squishy but I’m convinced they’re murderous evil cretins).
So folks, how are your healthy changes coming along? Are you becoming zombie dieters too or are you just hangry? Do you have any advice for staying fuller during the day?